I’m killing myself.
I’ve been intentionally starving myself and a good chunk of my calories through drinking. I know I do it because I’m slowly deteriorating.
I’m falling apart and I regret having my baby.
I regret it with my entire being.
I love her but being the primary caregiver of an autistic toddler is hard. I shaved my head, don’t get to brush my teeth more than 3 times a week, maybe have one sponge bath in a week… The eating disorder started when I just didn’t have time to eat. My body is always bruised and bloodied from her attacks.
I get no respite despite having no training. I have no help at all.
It’s not just because of my own feelings though. I spent 3 hours on the phone today trying to get a doctor’s advice because I’m worried about how my girl hits her head into the floor. They said they’d have a helmet for her by now. The specialists therapy isn’t helping her. My daughter isn’t thriving. She’s always so scared. She spends so much time crying and screaming “all done” and “mumma mumma done mumma”. She puts a pillow over her own face. Shes highly advanced I’m some areas but miserable with being awake. It hurts for her to be.
I love her so much and she’s suffering because of me.
I’m not a bad mother. I’m human.
My daughter never should’ve been born. By making her exist I’ve condemned her to a life of stress and no life at all for myself. I wish a doctor had told me. I wish id known.
the guilt remains with me.
I subsist off of it.

What have I done? I don’t deserve to live if I forced someone I love into something they hate. I don’t deserve to watch my life slip away either. I’m horrible for knowing I’ll leave her all alone when I’m gone and worse still for being relieved because I won’t have to feel anymore guilt (even though it’ll be deeply deserved) once I’m dead.
This neurotic self awareness is eating (ha.) me alive