I think I’m finally at that stage where I can get over my first real, deep love. For several years now, it’s been an on going thing where we’ll contact each other randomly and fall deeply in love with one another again. We were at a point where our communication was great and I was considering asking her to be mine again but, as always, she disappeared again and she’d pop up talking and text-based roleplaying online again somewhere down the line when she claimed she was struggling with depression and what not. We both made a pact that if we weren’t married by a certain time in our lives, we would marry each other. I’ve always felt like I was her settle guy, if she didn’t find a guy she was genuinely into enough to marry.

Anyway, the last two times she’s popped up randomly and we’ve gone into things, I started picking up her signs. I can tell a lot of it is toxic and she’s using me to get s***** gratification since she and I are both alone a lot of the time and if it’s not s***** gratification, it’s writing which we’re both into. It’s always when I’m struggling to write because of muse that her connection to me seeps away.

So, I’ve developed something of a subconscious warning system whenever I start writing with someone new. I don’t get attached, for one. If I do and they say they’re attached to me, I stop the writing altogether because I don’t want to be used for the written word, especially when it’s my soul that I’m working with, not necessarily my brain.

Getting off track…

The reason I’m writing this is that I feel guilty about no longer being in love with this woman. I told her I always would and for six years, I have been. I haven’t been able to find meaningful relationships outside of ours. When I have found relationships, I’ve found them to be droll and full of holes that needed filling. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to communicate or be there emotionally. Then on the drop of a dime, I can stop feeling everything for them and drop them like the aforementioned dime.

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