In the past few years, I’ve started to fantasize about my father. He wasn’t there very much when I was a kid, and I never suffered any s***** abuse. He is unreliable, and on more than one occasion he’s abandoned his responsibilities towards me, his only child, in favour of some girlfriend or other. I left home at 15 and went to him, but he never bought groceries for the house or really spent time with me when I needed him the most. I guess I got to thinking that the only way I could be good enough to have my father consistently be around was if I could please him better than they could. The taboo of the idea gets me off, it’s my go-to quickest way to finish, but I feel bad afterwards. People have suffered horrific abuse that they try their whole lives to escape, and here I am, fantasizing about my deadbeat dad f****** me.

Ugh.