I am feeling really down again. and i am a terrible person. I am a very needy person and always need to have somebody. Thats the reason why i am in so much trouble right now. I have been trying to look for a boyfriend but i havent been in relationship in the past 3 years. All people i have met, the ones i want to be with dont live near me, the ones who live near me dont wanna be with me. So i go out alot, and have s** with many people, because i am so lonely.
One time i found out i got HPV and i was so scared. I didnt know what to do because i dont know much about STDs, i went to a clinic which own by Chinese and they ripped me off. I was so scared so i did all what they told me to, i had to pay 2500$. I am from a country where the average wage is 250$. I didnt have money, not that much of money, so i told a guy who i met and been in deep feeling for and ask him to loan the money because i couldnt tell me parents, i couldnt tell anyone but him atm, my parents are very traditional if they know i got the disease bz i had s** before getting married thats the end of the world for me. in 1 year i lived in the fear of having the HPV and the struggle saving the money to give it back to him. But, making about 300$ per month and paying about 200-250$ per month for living, i cant save much money, even i have a part time job as well.
a while After that i met a guy and told him the whole sistuation bz he wanted to have s** with me so i have to tell him i have the disease then a year later i met him again he asked about how is it and i told him that i owe someone alot of money and i couldnt give it back, he said he will help me with that, then he tried to send my friend 2500$ but Paypal didnt let him send that much of money at once. , he could send only 1000$. I told him he doesnt have to do that for me but he said he wants to make my life be better. Since then, my life was so much happier, i can breath so much eaiser. but it takes a month for my friend ( i call him friend now bz he wasnt my bf even though we had very trong feelings) to get the money bz he has some problem taking the money out. I asked him if he could help me to send my friend the rest of the money he said it took a long time for my friend to get the money and now he deosnt want to help me anymore bz i told him my friend wants to go to the States, so he said there are other poeple who needs that money more than my friend. of course i am not mad at him for not helping me this time, he is already helped me without asking anything back. But now, ill have to take care of the rest 1500$, my salary now is 350$ per month but i have to send my mom about 120$ per month bz she is doing some investment for me and i cant ask her to keep it myself bz i cant explain to her why do i need that money when she can do a better investment for me. I am about to get a new part time job to use that money to save , but i dont know how long it will take me to have enough. i am fucked again.
but that deosnt make me a terrible person.
I met a guy a few months ago, after a very long time i met someone who makes me feel so much caring and some thing serious. But, we had s** without condom and i couldnt tell him about the HPV, because i am too afraid to lose him.
everything still going well for me and him but at some point i have to tell him the truth, it was so hard for me but i dont think he still wanan be with me when he knows i have hpv, i was just so selfish.
Now i dont know what to do.
ill have to work so hard for the money, and have to tell my bf the truth about the disease and the money i owe
What kind of person i am?
