about 1 year ago i had turned 13 a few months ago
i had a 10 year old step-cousin and he was almost 11 and one 14 year-old brother.
i guess oneday him and his brother came over to my house
we hung out and during the day i leaned on him
i never had any s***** intent
i thought it would bug him and make him push me off because he always got pissed at me now and then.
but he stayed silent
as i played a game on my phone against his brother
(at the time i didnt know it but this was the thing that started all of it)
i paid no mind to it i just assumed for once he was starting to like me (as a friend)
so we all go up to my room and me and him and his brother and my 7 year old (actual) cousin play monopoly on my bed.
Me and him both lay down on the bed on our stomachs while the others are around us
he starts moving his hand slowly over to my leg.
i scoot over a bit and keep playing thinking hes just adjusting.
he scoots over and keeps moving his hand
i ignore it.
he moves it up my leg.
i begin to freeze up.
i ignore it.
he moves it up my thigh.
i ignore it.
then he puts it on my b***…
i try to ignore it.
i begin panicking. im frozen like WTF
then suddenly i blurt out
“i have to go to the bathroom”
i roll off the bed and hide in the bathroom for 20 minutes hyperventilating.
i come out
and sit in the chair across from the bed.
he insist i come back over and play.
i say no and ask his brother to play for me.
i began typing to my online friends what to do.
all answers are the same
“fight back”
the rest of the night i try to avoid him
staying away from the bed and hanging out away from him. hoping to give him a hint.
through out said night he continuely tries to get me to be close with him.
even when i went to shower.
he knocked on my door and tried to get in
but i locked it because luckily my paranoia
i was dressed and showered.
i finally began to relax.
his cousin is on the floor on his phone same with his brother
i say i want to go to bed.
i lay down on the bed….
then he lays on the bed too.
he tries to move his hand over to my thigh but i scoot over
i get under the covers.
to avoid him.
i realize it was the biggest mistake of my life as he gets under too.
i lay frozen
absolutely frozen
i cant think all i do is pray for the best.
he scoots closer.
frozen.
he presses up behind me
frozen.
he feels my b*** and my inner thighs.
frozen.
he wraps his arms around me and i pray he doesnt lead his hands elsewhere.
frozen.
he humps me. i close my eyes and ry to pretend this isnt happening.
trying to pretend that m not asking myself “why dont you move”

pretend that im not a coward.

he feels all over me
i keep my legs pressed together and stiff
he wraps his leg around my frozen legs

i hate this.

i can feel it on my b***
it rubbing against me

i hear my mom coming down the hall.

with all my strength all i can manage to do is kick one of my legs in the air to signal shes coming.

he gets off….
my mom walks in and sees how close he is but he moved away far enough… and on time.

im still forzen
i clench my eyes shut
my mom makes him get out
she alls my name but i close my eyes and pretend im asleep i dont dare move.
she assumes im asleep
scolds him and sends him down the stairs to my dad

they talk.
he returns.

i pretend to have just woken up. i go to my mom. i insist i didnt know he was under the sheets.
she doesnt believe me

i go downstairs and hug my dad
he does.

we go to bed

everyone sleeps on the floor
except me
i sleep at the edge of it
i cant sleep
i hear someone get up and come behind me on the otherside of the bed.
they touch my b***
and press against me
them they go to sleep

i was still frozen.

for the first time i dint feel safe in my own bed

i was 3 years older than him. i shouldve done something. HE WAS TEN. i shouldve done something but i couldnt.
i froze.
worst part was the more i though about it the more i hated mysel for not doing something. the more i hate myself for being torn about whether i shouldve encouraged it or pushed him away.

he was in my family. i knew the moment i pushed him away it woudnt only affect him itd affect my aunt and her boyfriend. my parents. my little cousin.
i was in shock he was like family to me

but i froze and didnt do anything

and that doesnt excuse it.

now i have to live with the shame of getting s******* assaulted by my 10 year old cousin