I wish I could shake the walls from a bad relationship from years ago. It was the most negative thing I have ever been a part of and a lesson I wish I never had to learn, I didn’t need it, but years later it’s causing me to (I don’t want to say hurt), but it’s causing me to hurt (emotionally) and give anxiety to women who don’t deserve it. It’s like a mental block and I’m not one to go to therapy, but it kind of pisses me off that its one of those things I can’t control and it feels like a solid wall locked up in chains with 10 locks. That’s the only way I feel to describe it. And I really try to let it down but I am stone solid sometimes, even if I don’t want to be. She doesn’t realize I’m damaged, really, really badly. like broken spirit damage. I just hold it in. I am over it, but I’m callous. I’m better than I was 10 years ago, it’s not gaping wounds, draining my blood and my soul all over the place in a trail behind me anymore, its a thick callous and I come across as callous sometimes. I’m just sort of dead inside, and it has nothing to do with her. I need her, but she thinks it’s her. I sometimes feel like I’m treating her like I was.
I don’t talk about things or people or anything from my past. Vague. it’s a lesson I learned along the way. I was done with it 20 years ago. It’s a toxic can of worms. I get rid of anything and everything associated with it now. I have had people I actually consider friends literally begging me (maybe not so much anymore, but as recent as 6 months ago) to go over there, and it’s too bad because I hate to throw people away, but it’s tainted. Ignore, or sorry man I’m doing this, but the real reason is they’re tainted. It’s too bad, he really does want me to go over there and hang out, 34 years but I can’t touch it. I’ve worked at a place recently with a few of them there by chance, I’d run into them often, and they did give a s***. They did things that were straight up looking out for me. More than once. One friend in particular would run into me on a Friday digging some equipment out by hand with a shovel, brush me aside in a tractor, and clear it before telling me if I wasn’t doing anything later that night, to drop by the house for a beer, there’ll be a few people there. The wife and kids. Non commital, thanks, yeah maybe. Unfortunately, as much as I appreciated he’s probably really close to the bullseye. Not taking a side, neutral, maybe not even known, but very close to the bullseye. I’d rather just have it be dead and gone. It’s toxic and because of it I’m the type of person where I’m tough nut to crack. I always have been but more than ever at this point. It’s impossible for me to just completely let loose with a woman I like. It simply can’t be done. Not quickly. It’s slow and gradual, and maybe not fast enough for her. I’m not dead, but slow, emotionally, not physically, but it’s bothering her. I know I come across as emotionless sometimes. She could smile at me, and I just can’t do it. I look away. It’s like that. I can’t tell her.
I realize there are certain things I need to do now that are relatively easy ways to try to give more of myself to her, cut certain things out, social media (which is pointless anyway nobody gives a s***), and maybe not caring so much about what other people think, the no life scab pickers, because I need her. She’s sweet
