I took mushrooms Sunday a week ago. I have drug, alcohol and sex issues. The following three days sex with my partner got very agressive and intense. I broke my anti porn/masturbating pact during that time. I had thoughts of leaving her frequently. I felt clear headed. On the Thursday night I left NA. I am meant to go to hers to cook her dinner. I go hunting for mushrooms. Getting very agitated as I find none. I get to hers to cook just before she does. I don’t take my antipsychotics as I don’t want to stay, I feel bad about the aggressive sex and masturbating. I’m in a sensitive mood. We eat. Start watching a movie. She is affectionate. It feels violating. I ask her to stop. She continues. I move away. Eventually I move closer. She tickles me again. My anger explodes. I forced my fingers into her mouth then up her pants. Then recoil in disgust at myself. She is in pain and very confused. I run outside to distance myself. She urges me back in I believe.
It turned out my finger penetrated her anus. She was still recovering there from sex earlier. It does significant damage.
She’s developed a chest infection, what appears to be herpes although I’ve recently had an STI check which passed though I don’t know if that was tested for. The ulcers seen to be herpes may be from her leaking anus and her attempts to keep it clean. I insisted over the weekend she see a doctor which happened on Monday.
Over the weekend I was still not behaving well. Agressive still. Not directly. Argumentive. I did not feel I should be in her presence. I denied her sex until Tuesday. The sex seemed so confusing. How could I make love to someone. Last week we were consensually doing quite dark things. I did not feel safe.
We’ve had very intimate, loving moments since Thursday. There has been significant healing. We are both in recovery.
I am finding my aggression attentuating. I have verbally lashed out at my dad blaming him for my childhood which was a good one. I accused my older sister of sexually abusing me.
I didn’t attend my mother’s mother’s day brunch.
In the positive I have demanded I pay the excess on an accident I had in my parents car. I have stopped their weekly financial aid and told them to stop paying for my therapy. I have been spending my own money, albeit welfare on my needs. I still smoke too much. 1/3 of my weekly money goes on tobacco.
I still am aggressive needlessly. I overreact to perceived deviation from my script. I judge easily and forgive slowly. I struggle not acknowledge my own shortcomings. But I am trying. I have found my higher power. Some times anyway. I feel like this is a way forward.