I went onto tor network and saw images of child p***. I even masturbated. It happened 3 or 4 times. I don’t know why I did it. I wish I hadn’t. It happened within the last year, and I’m deeply shamed. I am not trying to become suicidal to cope with the guilt. I myself was s******* assaulted as a kid. Every single day for the last month I’ve thought about what I did. I know I won’t ever act in a way s******* to kids, I never have in the past. I won’t honestly because I know how it effects people. BUT I LOOKED AT IT AND MASTURBATED. I am to the point I basically hate myself for it. Part of me believes everyone already knows and they hate me too. This is in my opinion the very worst thing I have ever done. I need help and time to forgive myself. I had been developing voices to make me cope with it, telling myself that other people somehow made me do it. That it was their spirit in my body or a demon. Maybe it was maybe it wasn’t. But I can’t undo it. The guilt and shame has been tearing me apart. I will never do it again. I feel so much shame for doing it before. I can never tell anyone I know because I will never be spoken to by my family or friends again. I need help lifting this shame from myself. I don’t even know how. I’m only 24. I can’t just kill myself to get out of this one.