I’m in an early college program and I’m losing friends. Dumb, right? Yeah, yeah it is. But it’s not as ridiculous upon first glance as one may expect. These people had helped me come out of my shell and be who I am today. I love them like they were family and I would lay down my life if it meant their protection. But alas, my own faults have become my downfall.
I’m not a good student. I don’t really pay attention in class, much less actually do the homework. Due to this, I didn’t have any teacher recommendations to get into the same college class that all of my friends were going in. One simple mistake I made of not doing my work caused this one class we wouldn’t have together.
One class isn’t that much time apart, right? Not necessarily, but that’s a 90 minute period of all of them getting to know each other better (I essentially introduced them all to each other). This isn’t that much time but eventually that time starts adding up and one semester later they’re their own little circle of friends and I’m pretty much an outsider.
I miss them so much. I’ve never really had people who’ve felt like family to me. I had known that the rift in our schedules would cause this but I just tried pushing through it.
As the years will go on the rift will become more and more jarring; eventually we won’t have ANY classes together, meaning no time I can spend with my family.
But this is all purely my fault. I’ve tried the whole responsible good student thing, but it’s just not who I am. I bow to nobody who demands it, and I’m not keen on being told what to do directly by professors, much less having a strict time limit (I do NOT handle being rushed well).
Not only this, but I’ve had plenty of history with these people (obviously). One friend in particular I had a HUGE crush on. I got denied and made a huge DM conversation just to lie to her that “it was a dare” so our friendship that was living on a prayer could at least still be living. Her and I rarely talk now; she hasn’t even read the last thing I sent her which was in November yet she still talks about how she’ll text me. Another such friend I had met a few years back and we instantly sparked due to our similar personalities. I had considered him a very slightly older brother of mine. Now he’s fairly drastically changed to suit the girl he likes, who is also in their circle.
But this is isn’t just my fault due to my grades. I have this horrible practice. I can “sense” whenever a friendship of mine is being harmed in any way. When this happens I just prefer to leave it be. For example, a friend I have in Maryland has this habit of stealing new friends I meet, simply because he’s just like me but better in every possible way. When I see him and the new friend chatting away and having a good time, I tend to just leave the call because they’re having such a good time and I don’t wanna get in the way of that. Same case with my real life friends. I see them all having fun with each other and I simply just can’t interrupt, so I’ll just sit and watch them have fun. When I do talk to them it’s most likely not while they’re grouped and when they do group I just leave. I feel left out, yet I’m the one leaving myself left out because I’d rather not learn all the inside jokes; I should’ve been there to understand them to begin with.
I have 2 friends in Maryland. I’ve known one for 9 years and the other for 5, but I just can’t go to them for this. I can’t go to anyone for this. My family simply doesn’t understand due to me being complicated and having to constantly repeat myself (something else I also despise doing). So I’m simply just gonna leave it here. Am I overdramatic? Absolutely, this is no big deal and nobody should worry about it. I just miss them so much. I really want what we had back.