I wish I had the courage to say to you that I don’t know what I feel because I don’t. One-minute I’m so close to loving you and the other I could only run away from you because I didn’t feel like you were mine. When you’re gone, I feel so empty but when I’m with you so hesitant. I sometimes act like I like you so much and can get deliberately clingy. Sometimes I used to let your silence poison me and when I was about to lose you, I kept you. I’ve done things that I’m not proud of, was a person that I never thought I’d be. Even if the details you left out were so small, they were lies. Lies that meant so much to me and I think you knew it. I think you knew that I was a scared boy who just needed that attention and did want it from you. You always must victimise yourself – you know that I wouldn’t spend 3 months chatting to you almost every day with a few breaks only to tell you at the end all I wanted was your body. You can’t possibly believe that that’s the truth. I know you’ve had s*** done to you in the past, but you knew I was begging for an escape from feeling afraid. I never wanted an escape from you. I was nervous but excited to meet you. You never liked me, did you? At times, it felt like you were setting me up to hurt you and I wouldn’t usually budge. You always made out that I wanted you for your body but what about the times when all you could talk about was the way you wanted me to have s** with you. What about those huh? When things started to advance, you were the one who got scared – you knew exactly how I was going to react, I always showed the signs of the way I deal with things. Sometimes, I think you set me up. Other times I think I played you. I honestly do not know what to think what happened. A part of me still wants you, you’re the guy who listened. I think you are everything you claim to hate. You’re controlling but don’t see it. You’re interested in s** a lot but don’t see it. You’re heartless but don’t see it. Most of all you are a f****** liar. I felt bad for pretending to be this s*** a** guy trying to entice you (I did it more than once, but it revealed a lot about you). I felt like a psychopath. I still do. However, the minute details you twisted, the minute details that were so precious to me made the lies even bigger. When did you ever say you were going to leave? Why did you forget to mention the real reason I admitted I really liked you was because I was jealous of some guy I encouraged you get? Oh yeah you forgot about those bits didn’t you. About the parts where I would help you through your hopeless love life and give you motivational strength. Where I would encourage you to talk about all your problems and try and give you the best advice. You forgot about the time where I tried to shake up a troll for you. Why am I the villain here? Also, you handily forgot my situation didn’t you. Sorry we can’t all be so good at being a secretive gay as you. You knew exactly what you were walking into. I don’t know whether I feel sorry for you or I feel sorry for me anymore. Even after saying all that, why do I still want you so badly when you’re not even all that. You don’t have the (and I hate myself for being so f****** shallow here when I’m no masterpiece myself at all) looks. Your personality is so whiny. You’re so tragic and you’re a type of manipulator. You make me so petty, so ashamed of myself and I’ve done extreme things that I thought I was incapable of. The worst part is although I’m ashamed, I still found immense pleasure giving you those horrible threats. I’m a horrific person I know but it takes two. I am not a villain nor am I a hero. I am a human being. I could write so many pages more. Worst thing is you’ll never know I wrote this about you because I know that I’m going to go back to you in a few weeks/months and beg that you forgive me because I’m so sad that despite everything, I still want to you in my life, still want to finally meet you. I’ve never physically met you and you’re in my head so much. You helped me get over a guy I was madly in love with – now I think you could be the one I could potentially love. Oh, that is if you’re not so deeply in love with your ‘foreign guy’ who I encouraged you to talk to. On that, remember when I first left – it had been only a few days and you told me you loved me. I snapped you out of it but maybe that craziness never left. Maybe it’s because you and I are more alike than you would ever admit. Comparing me to your evil vindictive abusive ex was really hurtful. I really am sorry for the way that I treated you. I don’t even think you’re the one. Why do I still want you so bad? I’ve written a private essay about you – you’d be so horrified at the thought of being exposed. Don’t worry I can do nothing anyway. I’m sorry that you’ll never know that it was me that gave you those empty threats to expose you to your family (I don’t even know where you live) although I would like to add that I never said I would kill you (where did you even get that from!?) contrary to what you said to one my many alter-egos. I’m not justifying it, but I would never have gone through with it and it came out of a place of fear. Sometimes I wish you never existed but then I think, I would never have got to know the excellent parts of you. Maybe one day everything is going to fall in place with you. I keep thinking of ways to round this up but in truth, I can’t – I’ve missed so much out. There is so much more I can say and want to say but I won’t. I don’t wish you all the best. I don’t wish you good luck. Because if I did that would be wishing for you that I was never a part of your life. I know that this is so whiney just for a virtual crush (not even sure that’s what you are to me) but maybe that show’s how brilliant you are. Besides you always were one for the soppy b*******. I don’t think I’ll ever receive closure but writing this has helped me blow off so much steam. I don’t want to be a monster. Maybe someone will read this and tell me what the f*** I have to do with my life. I guess I’ll find out. I’d like to thank you, I may like to hate or hate to like you, but you did make me happy even if it was sometimes to your detriment. I hope you find peace and gain the confidence you deserve. I hope that you tell the real truth and not blip out or slightly edit those little details that actually change everything. I hope that one day I will make you happy. Whether that’s by not being in your life and leaving you alone from now or if it’s in our very own flat making love and just staring into the sun hand in hand, I just want you to be happy no matter what. For now, bye.