I think about him more than I think of my boyfriend. I daydream about him breaking up with his girlfriend for me. I dream he calls me and tells me he loves me as many times as I’ve told him I love him. I daydream my boyfriend gets fed up with me being distant and meets a better person and dumps me so I dont have to hurt him by saying im in love with someone else. I’d be poly, my ideal situation that everyone likes everyone enough for me to date both of them. Because god I still love my boyfriend, but if I told him i loved someone else it’d break his heart and he’d try to kill himself. But I remember how the other boy looks at me, how he smiles and gets a sparkle in his eye when he sees me smile. How he blushes and laughs when I call him cute. When he asks to call me just to spend time with me, and how he likes frustrating me and tells me how bad my jokes are but still laughs. How I show him music I like and he teases me for not liking Africa by Toto.
It’s long distance with both boys, but I remember every time i’ve spent with the other boy. I haven’t forgotten how he use to have a crush on me when we first met. I’ll never forget how he pulled me in by the waist, and kissed me. I wish I never turned him down, I wish it was like before we both got into relationships.
i m********* to him every night. I remember how he said ‘I love you’ once, and he smiled a blushed like a little boy with a crush. I think about when he sexted me, telling me how beautiful my body is. He told me how im the second most person he’s ever jerked off to. I think about sitting on his face and making him eat me out. I think about the time in the stairwell where we made out for what felt like minutes but it was hours. How ragged his breath got when he saw my breasts, and how he touched me. How I couldn’t take my hands out of his hair, How I whispered I wanted to s*** his d*** and he let me. I was happy swallowing but god how I wanted him to c** on my face. I wanted him inside me but I was so scared. I think about how he moaned my name and grabbed the back of my head, and he told me that I gave him the best head ever.
I know its wrong, I know we shouldn’t of done that. I know it was stupid of us, and we both regret it. I regret it more than anything, but I can’t help love this secret we share. I hate how when I have s** with my boyfriend I think of him. I hate how my boyfriend can’t satisfy me anymore. My boyfriend hasn’t done anything wrong, I’m just a fickle person. But everyone likes my boyfriend and hates this guy. All my friends tell me he’s weird and I shouldn’t be friends with him, but I can’t help it. He makes me so happy and frustrated at the same time. I dont know what I see in him, i have all the attention I ever need. I’m not lonely I have my boyfriend at my whim, and I have friends who would love to do things with me. But… He makes me happy. He’s sweet and fun to be around. If I break up with my boyfriend I know me and him won’t work out. I dont know if I want to date him, but i want to be his. I want him to call me his and I just want him to tell me that he loves me…. I wanna whisper I love him and fall asleep in his arms. I want to cuddle and kiss him and hold hands and do coupley stuff. But I know we would never ever work out. we’re both too fickle and too selfish but….. I just want it to be that way for a little bit…..
I hate myself really……