My boyfriend of 6 months has recently started to become abusive. He pulls my hair and chokes me if I do something he doesn’t like. He kicks me and punches me, and calls me a c***/b****/s*** etc. We usually have very rough s** but this is different (I would hope this is obvious).
At the time it feels truly awful. Some of things he says really hurt because he knows just what to say to get to me.

But I like it.

I love it when he hurts me. It is this weird, special kind of rush. And the satisfaction I feel when I cry and he tells me it’s okay, I’m just not to do it again. When he grabs my throat and tells me to shut up and I nod. It feels so good to submit to him in ways that aren’t just s*****. He controls me, he owns me, I have to do what he says when he says it.
When we fight and I fight back until he holds me so I can’t. Sometimes in the midst of a fight we end up making out and taking it to bed.
At times he has even had s** with me when I didn’t want it, and that fact turned me on.

It is sick. I know he is emotionally and physically abusive but I like it. I know it’s fucked up and healthy.

I was molested when I was 8 years old and raped when I was 17. I have also dealt with numerous mental health issues, having twice been admitted to a mental health hospital. It could very likely be because of these circumstances.

There is also the fact that the media romanticises abusive relationships all the time, like The Joker and Harley Quinn or Edward and Bella.

Whatever the case, I feel incredibly ashamed. Normally, I am an independent person, the type that abhors the 50’s wife and husband format. Yet I don’t only allow but enjoy being abused by my boyfriend. I know this is unhealthy and wrong. I really do. But I don’t see myself leaving him anytime soon.