I hate myself for not accepting my sister’s failures and just putting it on myself when we are completely different people. I can’t accept the fact that we’re siblings. She’s just another person that came out of my mom…Including myself. Everything I do, I get reminded by my sister. Everytime my sister does good, I am driven to do 10x better. Even though she’s 30 and I am 16, I never want to set myself to become that person in that future. But I feel like I can’t do that without being reminded of it. She stands out by being indecisive, I try to contradict but fail to do so and repeat my sister’s actions. I want to blame my sister for everything. I hate her. I hate myself for allowing my self to do all of this. I look at her and I’m reminded how much she’s gone so far and that isn’t so far. Maybe in the future, she can actually grow. Just not with me in the picture. If I say this to my family I will never become accepted, probably hated just for saying this. But I feel as if I will never accept her. My mother and sister fought a lot, I didn’t give two shits. My mother is uneducated about mental illness. My sister has anxiety, depression, and Aspergers (so far). She was taken to the hospital by the police from the doctors as she was reporting her thoughts. My mother’s perspective changed immensely and cared for her immensely. Caring about her in a way a mother would. I gave apathy. I’m so disconnected with her, she starts a conversation and I killed it off completely. She’s healing in the process of becoming a better person. But I can’t see her anymore. I can’t see her without being angry or sad. I avoid her completely for the sakes of both of us. I want myself out of the picture. I really do want her to be better, just me not there. I want to think that we are completely different people, but maybe we’re closer than I think I am. This is just a streamline of my train of thought all over the place…
Says to let it all out and feel good about it. I still don’t feel well… I just feel worse.