I have been with my husband for 11 years. We have two kids together. About 5 years ago I started working at a new company in an office setting. There I made a friend. We can call him Adam. It started off innocently enough but eventually we got really close and confided in each other about everything. He married soon after our friendship started but things weren’t going well with his wife soon after the wedding. And I myself was having marital problems as well. Things were very rocky and I would often tell Adam that I wanted to divorce my husband. He would give me advice about it. He never told me to leave my husband but he would just tell me that I deserved better and that I needed to do more for myself. Around the same time we learned that our company was closing down our office and letting everyone go. We still had our jobs for two more months before they were closing the doors so everyone was scrambling to find new jobs. It was a stressful time and with everything going on at home, I started depending emotionally more and more on Adam. We saw each other M-F at work and we would text everyday after work and on weekends. I knew I was neglecting my marriage but I justified it by thinking that my marriage was over. I loved my husband but we had reached a point where we both just couldn’t stand one another. So Adam became my rock. I told him everything. But I often wondered how he had so much time for me considering he was a newlywed. Then one day he told me that his wife wanted to separate. I was shocked and I even thought it might have something to do with me but he never hinted that was the problem. All I knew was that she told him she was not happy with him and marrying him was a mistake and that she needed to get out. He was really sad and I wanted to be there for him like he was for me. Our office closed down and so we kept in touch via text. Everyday, all day. And at this point it was apparent that his marriage was over. His wife had moved out and he was looking into filing for divorce so our conversations were mostly me comforting him and motivating him to not be sad. Eventually I noticed my husband getting upset about it. He knew I would text him and because it was so much, he of course started getting suspicious. Our relationship was so strained but I still assured him that Adam and I were just friends and he had nothing to worry about. One day my husband went through my texts and he what he found made him furious. Adam and I were friends, but we started wandering into the borderline inappropriate territory. We both were so dependent on each other and it showed in the texts. Things like “I miss seeing you everyday” “Why have you not texted me today?” “What are you doing that is more important than talking to me?” … ect. My husband was so angry and hurt. Honestly I was surprised that he even cared that much because we were doing so bad. But I knew I loved my husband and I decided to fight for our marriage. I apologized, I asked for a second chance, and I told him that I would never contact Adam again. I sent Adam one last text letting him know that my husband was understandably upset after reading at our conversations. I said that out of respect for my husband I was going to stop talking to him and I apologized because he was a very good friend to me while I needed him but I had to put my marriage first. He never replied to me and I didn’t speak to him again for a while. I think it was about 5 months that we went without communicating at all and I felt so guilty for several reasons. First because I knew he was going through a lot and I knew I was the closest friend he had and I felt like I abandoned him during the struggle of going through a divorce. Then I felt guilty because I missed him so much. And I knew this wasn’t fair to my husband. But it truly felt like I lost my best friend and I couldn’t even grieve my loss because it wasn’t right. I felt so depressed and alone and I had to hide it because I couldn’t show my husband that I had those feelings. It was during this time that I finally accepted that I had feelings for Adam. Five months had passed and I thought about him all the time. I worried about him. I finally decided to reach out to him just to catch up. I sent him a long email letting him know what I was up to and asking him how he was and again apologizing for not being there for him. He replied but was really short with me. He said he understood and he didn’t blame me for anything. It felt so good to hear back from him and to know he was okay despite his tone. From there on out we chatted here and there every once in a while. He told me his divorce was finalized during the time we stopped talking and that he actually started dating again but he had his guard up and didn’t think he would marry again. I was happy he was moving on. I let him know that my husband and I were doing a whole lot better and that I was moving back to my hometown in another state. I think we came to terms that we would probably never see each other again but we’d continue to keep in touch. Things have gotten weird over the years though. We both have admitted to having feelings for each other back when we worked together. But he has changed a lot and I feel like he has resentment towards me. He used to be so nice to me and sweet and I felt like he genuinely cared about my feelings and my problems. But now I feel like I’m his punching bag. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. I stop talking to him because of this but then he apologizes and he reels me back in. He starts acting like the Adam I remember and I fall back into his games then just like that he flips the switch and is mean again. Sometimes he drinks and tells me that he got divorced because of me but then quickly takes it back as if he’s joking and I honestly don’t know if he is serious or not. I know it sounds stupid because I can easily just cut him out of my life but I always feel so guilty. I think I seriously hurt him and if what he says is true (That he got divorced because of me) then I feel like I led him on because I told him I was going to divorce my husband. And so every time I think I’m done with him, he always reminds me of how I abandoned him during a dark time in his life and how he was so hurt and he makes me feel like I owe him my friendship despite of the way he treats me. It has been almost three years now that I have continued to talk to him behind my husband’s back. And I know I need to stop and I’m trying to but have yet to be successful. I love my husband and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don’t know how to get over Adam completely. I currently blocked him on everything and I am praying that I don’t fall back somehow. I know I’ll never see him again but I just want to be strong enough not to talk to him ever again too. I still worry about him because I know he’s hurt and after his divorce he has changed so much and he isolates himself from everyone around him and I know I’m the only one he opens up to so I know it’s going to be hard for him but I have to accept that it’s not my burden to bear. I hope he has a good life, I hope he finds someone, and I hope he goes back to being the good guy I remember.

So long story short, I never physically cheated on my husband but I had an emotional affair that lasted about four years. And I hope all of this is behind me for good this time.