My name is James. i am 14. i will be 15 on the first of October. Today is the 11th of August, for reference.
About 10 months ago, my cousin, “Ben”, moved in with my grandma, “Janet”, my father, “Jimmy”, my mother, “Geana”, and my sister, “Makia”. And both me and my sister were raped by my cousin Ben, aged 23 or so.
It started in the beginning of 8th grade. One question started it all:
“Do you want to see it?”
I was in full-blown puberty, so being the retard I was, I blindly said yes. Before I knew it, I was on my knees, jacking him off, and after a short while, oral s**. I will not go into details. The worst thing is, he almost had my sister. My parents told us to avoid him at all costs, but I was lured too far in to get off the hook. I blindly obeyed him, until the last month he stayed here, somewhere around April or May. My sister confessed what he did to my parents, in a shop we own close to the house we have. The police were called, but I said i never saw anything. i denied everything. i was still hooked by him.
He had two hearings so far, trying to get parole with counseling. I’ve been asked about if we had relations. The answer was always no. I have kept this secret for so long, it has started to affect my state of mind. I keep a straight face wherever I go, with a fake smile plastered to my lips. On the inside, however, I am screaming, bawling, crying, “He raped me! He raped both of us!” But i never say it. I am too scared of what will happen. “Will my parents abandon me? Forget me? Leave me?” I never can grasp the answer. The result is existential crisises, each more crippling than the last. I can’t forget him. But for some reason, my mind still thinks of him, loves him, craves him, can’t get enough of him. And that’s where the problems get worse.
My mind has an affection towards him, a false love that never falters. it fades, but never disappears. I have never told anybody this, not even my closest friends and family. it affected my grades, it effected my state of mind. I am forever poisoned by his touch, his voice, his presence. i want him to die. I clench my fists so hard my fists turn pale. But then I don’t, because of this poisoning he’s placed on my soul. I will never be the same, never feel the same, never love the same.The only thing that’s different? He will die first. And I will never weep for him.