I keep coming back to one point in my life, one lament. I have no outlet for times when I need to vent. There is no single place in my life in which I can

9 years

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I keep coming back to one point in my life, one lament. I have no outlet for times when I need to vent.

There is no single place in my life in which I can fuckallanyonesaywhatiwant and perhaps not feel alone.

I loved you and my daughter came to love you and now you are so intrinsically wrapped up in our life that I fault myself when I miss having lovers.

I sometimes long for the freedom provided by the safe set boundries of polyamory because you can not be all that I desire or need.

That does not make you less in my head but I keep trying to wrap my head around one human forever and this makes no sense…to me.

You in my life forever and by my side forever makes sense. Me at your side through every thing you can imagine. I am there. I can’t imagine my life without you. (Or rather I can but I would rather not.)

Now that I have finally made this huge ball of angst in my head make sense, how do I tell you?

New Confession

Petra would drop me if I moved to Britain because she does not like online. We are not friends.

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I hate myself so much for my attachment issues. I always hurt the people I care about because I get attached easily and start caring too much. When someone I am so attached to stops messaging back, paying attention to me, and caring, I do crazy things to check if they are online and just ignoring me. I don’t stop until I discover who they are giving all their attention to, and then I’ll start stalking the person they talk to more often than me. It’s way worse when it’s out of the blue, which makes me more inclined to find every piece of information about that person. I know I am in the wrong for doing this, and after the person eventually finds out about this, I panic and pressure them to forgive me and stay. I don’t justify my actions, I do believe I’m weird, creepy, and evil, but I care too much to let the person go. It works a lot, and I feel like a manipulator. I want to stop seeking strong friendships and relationships because I know that in the end, both of us will end up hurt. The harsh reality is that I also go crazy when I don’t have anybody to obsess over. I can never win.