4 years
x
583 Views

Since I can’t tell my councillors this or I’ll get fucked in the a** by the police and it’s been lingering on my mind because my father keeps putting his girlfriend before his own f****** kids;
I was going to kill my mother when I was ten/eleven.
So f****** much, probably at least two-three times a month my mother would threaten to hurt me and/or kick me out. She wouldn’t beat me or stuff, but there were times where she’d grab me by my throat or drag me by my arm and when I was younger, she would slap me for the stupidest things like my room being messy (she eventually stopped, I think when I was eight), throw things at me like cups and plates and anything close to her so I’d hide from her and s*** like moving my bed and s*** in front of my bedroom door.
When I was nine-ten-eleven I don’t f****** know I guess I finally f****** snapped after she trashed my room and threatened to hurt me (She had grabbed me by the throat and held me against the wall threatening to hurt me), so when she had her back turned to me about to leave the room I ran over to the bed and ripped a plank off the underside of it (y’know the part that holds the mattress up – and before you come at me, we weren’t rich and everything was falling apart so it wasn’t hard) and I went over to her with the plank prepared to beat her to death.
I don’t know/can’t remember why I stopped but I have a few ideas.
1) For as long as I can remember growing up I had constant nightmares of her leaving me and I didn’t want to be alone
2) I knew I’d get arrested for murder and I didn’t want to go to jail because let’s be honest – I wouldn’t be able to hide a dead body especially mothers
3) Deep down I really loved her (shocking) since she was my mother and I didn’t want to loose her

New Confession

Related Confessions

Living with aunt…..i found out why special surprise the next evening. That morning she again welcomed me to the shower and allowed me to touch myself. But when i got close to finishing she inatructed me to stop and to dry off and get out of the shower. Very frustrating and i pouted some and pleaded, and she was very angry. I ended up right back where i had been a couple of days ago, getting the hairbrush on my cheeks and thighs for a protracted time. She did not use the belt but after i was sobbing and pleading again she snapped at me, that this was why i needed to be cured of my addiction, i whined the minute i did not get to enjoy my body. While i did not get the belt, after reducing me to sobbing and begging, she turned the brush around and i got several agonizing minutes of the coarse bristles on my already burning backside. I was trembling and hurting and was nearly dragged back to the shower, ordered to stand there letting cold water spray on my aching backside and then facing it until my g e nit als were shrunken to near invisibility. I was a wrecked blubbering pathetic mess, and as she held me afterwards she again stressed that my behavior is what made me weak and she wanted to be proud of me for good behavior. She said she was proud of me for accepting her direcrion and punishment but she wanted me to be well behaved and not self destructive to begin with. She said these things in a loving way but there was no mistaking her when she said that punishments could be far worse than they had been. That she did not want me to force her to be that harsh but that it was up to me whether it happened.

At bedtime that day she instructed me to lay on my stomach, and she spanked me by hand, stinging and making me tear up but nothing like the hairbrush. As i lay there shivering and sniffling, she left and came back with wet towels to lay on my cheeks and backs of thighs to ease the pain. Once i was calmed down, she had me turn to spoon me and her hands gently stroked my skin. Dangerously close to my groin and arousing me but she said that just as punishment could get worse, the pleasure could get better if i behaved. So i vowed to myself to try harder to behave, because while i knew she loved me, i was also now frightened of her.

The next morning began a new morning ritual. She showered with me and let me play with myself but to reinforce her rule over me, every shower began with a standing light spanking by her hand, then bathing and allowing me to self pleasure, and then another standing shower spanking, this time with her hairbrush. As each day after day started this way, mas tu rba tion started becoming something that was associates with her control and the discipline, and my urges were dropping quickly. I began to see the morning showers as a duty or exercise in self discipline rather than a pleasure.

This was also when i had to make a daily report phone call to my mother by my aunt,’s direction, reporting whether i had disobeyed and confirming i was being spanked proactively. My mother was skeptical at first so thwt call i had to stay on the phone with my mother so she coulr hear the soanking and my crying as i was bent bare bottomed over the back or a living room char as i knelt on it.

The next door sisters/landlords, my aunt’s lifelong lovers, also began to drop in regularly and my aunt required me to report to them as well. My aunt started a calendar to track how often i had urges or waa allowed to and able to successfully play with myself.

To be continued.