I had really convinced myself I was ready for it but I was not. Maybe there is no truly being ready for it. He gave me everything I had asked for, was so gentle about it. Warmed me up until I was begging for it. But as I was head down a** up and the pressure of his c*** pushing unto my a** got too intense I was panicking. Not like I had not tried toys countless times. But something about it being a real c*** was different. I tried to resist but his hands went to my hips and then a quick burning sensation and my body and head were fighting it. I was saying no please don’t in my head I have no clue if I was saying it out loud. I was shaking and felt my a** quivering and trying to push him out but the head was in. I was squirming and he gently talked to me and stroked my back. Swearing he would make it good for me. Then his hands were on my hips again and he pushed all the way in. I actually was conscious of his balls against mine. I was gasping and moaning and the intensity was so much. He slowly pulled back and I stupidly thought he was going to pull out but he thrust deeply again. By this point I was sobbing and clawing the sheets trying to desperately squirm away. It was not painful it was just too intense. My head was screaming for this not to happen, do not let another man put his c*** in your a**. But he just kept slowly pushing and withdrawing and my head was a wreck. He started moving a little faster and I felt so ashamed of myself and vulnerable. At some point I felt my own urine running down my leg because every time he pushed deep my muscles were so gaped and weak I could not even hold my bladder. Barely able to breathe. I felt his weight more on me and he gently put me fully on my stomach. He laid on my back and slipped an arm under me and pulled my face out of my arms by grabbing the hair on the back of my head. Told me to look in the mirror and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die seeing the helpless expression on my face. This is what you wanted he reminded me. This is what you asked me to do. And then he kept me looking at my own face and his as he began to truly f*** me. It seemed to go on forever and since he had lubricated me and himself so much he was effortlessly thrusting over and over. My head was a train wreck. Bouncing around from self shame and self loathing to god help me I really am a f** and omg how can this feel so f****** incredible. He told me to ask for it and I blurted out omg please f*** me. I was so exhausted and gaping and could barely breath while I was wailing loudly. And when it was time he told me to beg for it and as soon as I blurted out please c** in me he was sinking his teeth into my shoilder and growling as he made hard deliberate thrusts as deep as he could. Still seeing my own face in the mirror as he recovered laying on my back I could feel the wetness under my groin and realized I must have pissed myself. When his limp c*** fell out of me he got off me and went to the bathroom and got dressed and he said he was sorry I was feeling so ashamed and asked if i wanted him to go. I nodded and he left, saying only that he was not going to send me the video from his phone or delete it until I told him what I wanted him to do. Yes I had asked him to video him f****** me for the first time. The narcissistic virgin f** in me wanted that.

Hours of self hatred and shame and a shower later he texted me. Told me i had been very good as a first timer and he was sorry i clearly felt so much shame. He said he emailed me the video because he figured I would never be able to ask for it.

A few hours later and having watched the video multiple times i texted him and thanked him for forcing me to see my natural beautiful self. And asked him to help me be better for him. To please come back and f*** me again.