A STORY OF HEARTBREAK:

Clark Hallisey took my backcherry. He also goes by The Hallisonian and C&H Pure Cane Sugar (his cleos lounge name). I thought he loved me but he just wanted to get off. I felt used. Didn’t even care about my feelings just jackhammered popped his nut and then asked me to go buy him two Big Bufords with cheese (hold the onions). I did it. He also told me he’d take me to a gourmet dinner the following night at the hottest restaurant in town but of course didn’t return my calls. A week later he sent me an audio message, I have to admit I was excited when I started playing it. It was just him ripping a really loud fart and then saying “there’s your gourmet meal, eat that!”

—CORVALLUS BRONSON WINSLOW