This story is what I regard to be my biggest secret. First, a little background: It was 2007, I was a depressed 17 year old. I had never been in a relationship, throughout school, not a single crush had ever had the same feelings toward me. I felt ugly and unattractive. All my friends had been with multiple girls by this point and I had only some s***** experience, I had already lost my virginity and all. I wasn’t like them, I just wanted one person to love and want me. If and when I did find a girl interested in me, I’d screw it up somehow.

I had needed to buy a vehicle, this is how I discovered Craigslist. During my vehicle sure, I had noticed the “personals” section. I gave it a click, there were quite a few ads on there, enough I could tell people used it. Sadly, any w4m ads, were either spam or escorts and I was just a broke high schooler making 7 dollars an hour part time. So I decided to post a m4w ad, I don’t remember what I put in it, but a few hours later when I checked my emails out, I had 60 new messages all from that ad. Everyone of them were from guys offering me oral s**. Up until this point in my life, I’d never actually considered doing anything with a man. I grew up in a small town, people knew everyone’s business. People weren’t nice to the couple of “out” people in school. I gave it a lot of thought for a couple days. “No one would know if I did” “does it make me pathetic” “what if people do find out” “what if I end up meeting a guy who knows me” “what if I catch something somehow”. All thoughts that went through my head. I ended up going through all the emails, had like 30 more by then, a couple repeats. I’m not sure what made me respond to the one I chose, I know he had his age in there, where he lived, but I responded and got answer back within 5 minutes. I got his address and drove there. The whole drive I was a nervous wreck, “what if he tries pressuring me to do more” “what if I wanna leave and he don’t let me”, I even started thinking “what he finds me unattractive, just like everyone else in my life, and shuts the door in my face?”

Well, I arrived, it was an apartment building of like 4-6 apartments. I wasn’t sure where to go. I had told him what kind of vehicle I’d be in. Just as I was getting out a door opened up. I walked over to him, I was greeted by a kind humble man who showed me in. It was awkward, he knew I had never done anything with a guy before. He made sure I was still okay with it. I was. It was pretty awkward for me. I was 17 years old standing in a strangers living room, who was in his mid thirties and clothed, and I had my pants and underwear off wondering if he liked what he saw.

So it happened. From start to finish. Afterwards, I felt guilty and ashamed. Maybe he could see it in my face. He talked to me for a couple minutes to make sure I was alright with myself and said I could back or if u needed to talk he’d be there for me. I drove home, I didn’t feel pathetic. I took a shower. And went to bed thinking about it. Went to school that Monday like it never happened. I felt happier as a person though. I ended up going to see him some more, it wasn’t just about hooking up to me. I looked up to him. I experienced more with him. He ended up moving away after about year. I didn’t realize it until he was gone, but I had found that person that made me feel wanted and worthy as a person.

Sometimes I think about what may have happened if I never met him or if I picked a different email to respond to. Who knows. But that’s my confession.