A first experience; I guess that’s the most accurate category. I found this site by mistake. The google preview had a blurb of a posting from here. Saying they experience similar internal demons as I do. The paranoia in me is struggling to believe that this site is truly anonymous. VPN’d it and Incognito. Still doubtful. So I’m posting, but not beginning. Not yet. I’ll be watching for others that can share their evidence for or against this site. Fake stories will be easily identified and dismissed. I professionally analyze people every day, and my patients have said that it’s scary how well I can read them.
The cool thing is, I truly experience joy for when I’m able to use that skill to help my patient, and their life improves. I experienced one of those moments today. I tried a different strategy that I’ve only done a handful of times. I cognitively went after him. His mind reminds me of mine. So analytical. So cold yet yearning to feel loved. Caught between. So instead of leading him as we are trained to do, I grabbed his a** and forced him to see the truth (metaphor). I ripped apart his arguments and out maneuvered his attempts to deflect and distract. I pushed then when he was almost too far, I pulled and pulled him back to remind him that my only purpose in that room. In my f****** office, was to help him. Not the money (it’s nice and even though I’m underpaid by 40% within my profession, it blows my mind that I’ve progressed to where I can’t believe how high my salary still is. Grateful too).
Back to my guy. Trusted into my care. When the encounter was over I worried for days that I had failed or pushed too hard. Today was his appointment, and unfortunately our last as I retired today. But he brought in a huge gift basket of fresh homemade goodies from the family business his wife started. He was better. Not healed. Better. Hope. He had hope because I selected the right meds and assisted in seeing some key personal traits that were holding him back. Hope. So I shared some of my darkness. A glimpse into my own daily living hell of being in my mind and seeing through my eyes. He appreciated knowing that his misery wasn’t just his. Not for others to suffer too, but to have his own internal pain and battle to be understood. No excuses.
Our paths will forever be connected over this moment. His life now starting the process of healing because of me. And I’m nothing without Christ. But that’s another story for another day. Anyway, I’d like to share more with you all, or be warned off if this isn’t the right place to do this. But now that I know something like this exists, I want to share my story. I think it will help for some reason.