I put a knife to my skin for the first time in a decade. I stopped before I went too far.
My boyfriend is stressed. He’s an alcoholic and he can’t admit it fully. His deadline is fast approaching and I saw him at his worst for the first time tonight. He had about 5 shots of vodka in him and he was already drunk on beer. Someone said something that triggered him and since I was here, I guess it was my turn. He knows I fooled around with 2 close friends 15 years ago and he threw it in my face… no, we weren’t together. I didn’t even know that my boyfriend existed 15 years ago. He told me to go fuck my friends, among other things. I feel dirty. Disgusting. He must think I’m a whore deep down. I was a virgin when I met my boyfriend and now I know that he doesn’t believe me. I only messed around with them because I was curious and I knew they wouldn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want to. I was in high school.. I still see them because they’re my friends. We never did anything else because I couldn’t handle it mentally or emtionally.
I hate myself. I cried so hard. He’s passed out drunk and probably won’t remember what happened. But I do and I’m still in tears hours later. I’ll never forget it. He was cruel and yelled and put a hole in the wall. I was severely abused and he knows but it didn’t stop him from losing his temper on me. His life hasn’t been perfect either and I try so hard to hear him out and support him.. I feel unheard and unwanted though.
Of course he tried to cuddle me and kept asking me to stop crying. Don’t they all? My dad used to beat me and then ask for a hug because I made him mad so he had to hit me. I’m scared and heartbroken. I should have grabbed my things and left but I didn’t want him to hurt himself.
I realized not long ago that I love him. He’s going to ruin me. I waited so long to find someone I thought I could trust, who would accept me and protect me as much as I did them. I am in so much pain. I didn’t think he would turn on me like that.
The only way to stop crying was to find one of his pocket knives.