so, i matched with someone on bumble and i’m a very open person and i always let people know how i am truthfully before them investing any time with me. i basically told him i have a disorder where pain = good. and that i had r*** fantasies (like i said i’m very open person) and i do not advocate r*** or any abuse for that matter. we scheduled a time to hang out, i told him s** was not on the table, just a hang out and that’s it. we get there, and we’re alone (i’ve made a lot of mistakes, i know) and it was the first time i ever gotten high (both weed wise and alcohol wise) and he eventually raped me. i tried to shake my head no, i was too out of it to say anything. i know it’s my fault for letting a person know about me deeply as well as being alone/being inebriated, but that isn’t the bad part. i did most likely get pregnant (i was nauseous all the time) and took plan b, meanwhile i still had texted him. and then i invited him over two times again and actually consented both times. but it all hurt the same, and i gained nothing from it. i thought it’d give me a peace of mind to have some pleasure out of it, or to think if i was into it (although i was really reluctant) that possibly i’d gain from it. since it was my first time, that is. but he tells me that he likes me, and i guess wants to be with me romantically and he gives me attention so it makes me not want to block him. but i can’t see myself having feelings for him and i was a wreck for a long time afterwards. but it’s not abnormal for me to try and force my feelings onto someone as i’ve done it before (and it’s never worked out obviously.) but in a way i just want to force myself to like this person so it’d be all good in the end. and even that worries me, like what if he decides to break it off? and there’s a 4 year difference and i never had an actual relationship before. i feel like i am somewhat asexual for how much s** hurts or that everytime i begin liking a guy or anyone i quickly fall off of it. i don’t see him as a bad person, he seemed genuinely upset when i first blocked him saying he didn’t meean to traumatize me and i guess he didn’t know whether i wanted to keep going or not, although i shook my head the first time? it’s all very confusing, and this along with my mental issues doesn’t help. i just wanted to let out some steam and just, i don’t know, let the skeletons out my closet. thanks for reading if you made it this far. 🙂