I’m a female teen, I figured I was gay a few years ago, mainly thanks to this MASSIVE crush I developed on my best friend. Of course I had no chance with her- she had an older boyfriend and always joked about how straight she was. So I admired her from afar.

One time, she and my other friends came over for a sleepover. They all knew I was gay since I had came out to them a few months prior, but my parents didn’t- and still don’t- as they’re homophobic and racist (she’s Chinese). Anyway, everyone was upstairs in my room and I had went downstairs to get a glass of water, when she came down to get some too. I was just filling my glass when suddenly she said, “Hey (my name), I’m bi!”

I had to stop myself from kissing her there and then. Two things stopped me- one, my parents in the next room, and two, the fact that just because she liked girls didn’t mean she liked me.

So, instead of trying to make a move, I said “Cool, can I fill your glass?”

Fast forward a few months, it’s near the summer holidays, and she’s constantly complaining about her boyfriend, who at that point had turned into a fully blown stalker, even hacking into the webcam of her laptop. She breaks up with him when the summer ends, telling him she’s not ready for a serious relationship, as she’s only thirteen whilst he’s going to university in a year.

Three weeks ago now, she sat down next to me in math class (don’t question it, our teacher is completely incompetent) and we chatted for a while. After a few minutes of her rambling and me solving equations, she looked at me and said, “So… there’s something I kinda want to tell you, but I don’t know if I should.” I just continued with my work, nodding.

The funny thing was, every time she said something like that to me, I thought to myself- maybe, maybe this time she’ll say she likes me. Of course, it was always something stupid, like, “ur mom gay” or whatever, but I guess I never stopped hoping.

This time though, she did. I remember how I froze, and my face felt like literal fire. I, being the awkward idiot i was, buried my head in my scarf and just blabbered incoherently. After a while of this, she just looked at me and said, “So… yes or no?”

At this point, I lifted my head and stuttered out a yes.

From that point on, we were girlfriends.

Now, i feel like gushing about her all the time; she’s smart, funny, so sarcastic and stubborn as hell, and g******* is she beautiful. We haven’t even kissed yet, because I’m too shy to make a move, which she’s said is fine but I’m constantly scared she’ll get tired of my reluctance to do anything past holding hands and hugging.

It’s not I don’t want to- hell, I’m pretty much lying awake thinking about it.
It’s just I’m scared- that I won’t be a good kisser, that she won’t reciprocate, that I’ll kiss her at the wrong moment, that someone’ll see.

Even so.

She makes me deliriously happy. Last night, she and another friend came for a sleepover, and she slept in my bed. We spent all night cuddling, holding hands and flirting (as best we could- turns out she’s a blushy mess when she’s tired, and I’m rather silver tongued).

I just want to be around her all the time and I think I love her.

Only thing is, I’m only young, and I don’t really believe in love because my parents don’t love each other, I don’t think they have since I was born. On top of that, my grandma got sick. She’s in the hospital and though I know she’ll probably be out in a day or two, I’m scared as hell because I know she’s not got long. I’ve never lost anybody and I don’t want to turn cold to her when it happens. I also feel this immense guilt- how can I be happy when my grandma is in so much pain?

Moral of the story- the human race is b******* and the world can catch on fire for all I care, but touch a hair on her head and I will not hesitate to kill a b**** ?

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