i’m in love with my best friend and have been going insane. we’ve been friends for a long time but we’ve kissed before multiple times different occasions but completely sober. it’s worse this way , i got a taste of what it could be like but i can’t have it. lately it’s been especially bad, i spend the whole day excited to go back to sleep to dream of being with her, nothing s***** even nor explicitly romantic just simple things like putting my head on her shoulder or laying close to each other. whenever i’m with her it’s like a fight with my own body to keep it all in or lean against her and possibly face rejection. Our friendship is not something i’m willing to risk just for a second of closeness but there’s always a possibility that she could welcome it like in the past. this has come to a peak recently, yesterday she said something along the lines of “i want to hoe around a little but i’m definitely not looking for a relationship rn” i knew that last part but the thought of her just hoeing around with other people almost took me out right then and there. it’s selfish i only want her to be that close with ME. sometimes she will share inside jokes that i thought were just an us thing i’ve tried to keep it down but it seems i can never quite escape it and that comment was my breaking point. i’ve been crying for hours over some stupid off handed comment she probably didn’t think twice about, i was so hurt by it i could barely keep up a normal conversation after. recently some guy asked for my number and i ended up giving it to him in hopes that he could take my mind off her or who am i kidding to see if she would get jealous. she didn’t. She encouraged me in fact and joked about how i was in my straight era. F***. YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE SAD AND TELL ME NOT TO PURSUE HIM. nothing came out of that guy except for me being more insane and more hurt. i’ve also been long gone, texting her and then seeing if she’s been active on any other socials if it takes more than 5 minutes for a reply. looking at reposts sometimes for a small sign, making mental note of how many slides on her instagram post have to do with me and if the ratio is enough to constitute romantic interest. overall don’t be gay and insane