im in treatment for anorexia now. im 110 lbs as of last wednesday and i only have to gain a little more to step down from partial hospitalization to intensive outpatient. when i’m in iop itll be a lot easier to water load before weigh ins so it’d look like im still gaining on my own. i cant wait to go back to starving myself again. im going to be a LOT more subtle and gradual about it though. i have a new goal weight too. 88 sounds like the perfect number and i think i can do it. i miss the combination of numbness and adrenaline starvation gave me. i know i cant do this forever, so a big part of me wants to starve myself to death. i considered recovery and the staff all try so hard to (quite literally) force it down my throat, but im happier when im dying. people like me when im dying. at its worst i physically felt the ache of my body shutting down on me and a huge part of me misses it. now that ive gained all this weight i feel like a pig and i cant wait to shed it all. theres something kind of fun about gaining weight with the intention to lose it all again though, its like a challenge to me. can i go even lower this time before i get sent back to treatment? how long can i maintain my perfect graceful figure before it’s force-fed again? and don’t get me wrong, i f****** love to eat. it is literally my entire life, food is the only thing that means anything to me anymore. so getting to eat 3500+ calories a day of literally anything i want is sometimes amazing. today i had an oreo milkshake, i just cant wait to gain enough weight to be discharged again so i can starve again aghhh just thinking about it makes me giddy, i have the chills thinking about how my body will look and how amazing i’ll feel when im 88 lbs.