I’m happily involved with a great guy and together we have a 3 year old son we love dearly, and life decided to throw a curve ball at me, man. I had a good friend in high school who I had the BIGGEST crush on, but I knew he never saw me in any romantic way at all. I was just the slightly odd chick who knew a decent amount of obscure trivia with a variety of musical and animated tastes that I guess he just found comfort in being around, on a strictly platonic level. I never said anything when he’d ogle other chicks or ended up dating any of them, never gave the impression that I wanted anything more from him. Again, I’d put myself in the “sister” category here since I was absolutely sure there was zero interest physically. We did genuinely enjoy each other’s company, though, so much so that part of me always found myself fantasizing about “Well, what if he DID dig me in that way?” Fast forward to 15+ years later, where I’m no longer living in the state where I grew up, life went on and we went our separate ways, and Facebook is now a thing. My old buddy decided to look me up and add me, and when I figured out it was him (he was going by an alias that completely confused me), it was like an instant time warp back to high school. All those old feelings I thought were buried and gone whirled back up like a f****** tornado, and it totally caught me off guard. I’m very much in love with the father of my child and would never jeopardize what we have together. But, if I’m to be completely honest with myself, my feelings for my old friend never truly died – I just ended up burying them for the sake of being able to move forward. I’m not sure why I’m entertaining the notion that maybe, now that I’ve physically blossomed passed that awkward teen stage and look better than when we went to high school together, that just maybe….maybe he had thoughts along the same line? Nothing too serious, perhaps a “Well, damn, she’s looking good” or something, then going about his day. Not asking for an obsession. Apparently I’m obsessed enough for the both of us.
I think what I would truly want, is to just tell him everything upfront, how I feel and have felt for many years, with no expectation of changing anything. I believe I just want him to have the knowledge that there was one girl who was and would always be madly in love with him, but knows better than to risk any sort of physical action upon it. I don’t want to ruin what we have. Even as I write this, I cannot help but feel a little…narcissistic, I guess? To contemplate the notion that he’d find me even remotely attractive. Perhaps “narcissistic” is the wrong term….more like “cautiously optimistic”. *sigh* I fear I will forever be, as you youngsters say, “friend zoned”. Which is f****** absurd as I’m already committed and have a kid! But, see, this is the s*** my mind can’t shut off. So desperate that I am to tell someone that I’m posting anonymously (I hope) on a random-a** confession site, the first one that showed up on my search engine, actually. I’m not exactly delusional enough (I don’t think I am, anyway) to expect he will somehow stumble on this particular pathetic post and deduce “Holy s***, that’s *Mr. Black*” (if you get this, then it’s most likely you. 😉 ) and then write me on Facebook asking me what the f*** is going on, why am I ranting online to strangers, is this about him? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?
But, I digress…perhaps I will leave him a message eventually, just explaining how I wish for absolutely nothing to change. I will not lie and say, if we were in the same physical space, that I wouldn’t try for at least a small kiss? But, yeah…I just want to go to my grave with absolutely no regrets. Life is too f****** short, man.