this is not really confession but i just need someone to hear me out
my dad just passed away this year on 23 august
it was my dream to make my parents proud of me
ever since i was a kid i always make my parents dissapointed at me ,i put a shame on them’

also it was my dream to go to korea and pursue my education there , i wanna be a professional editor or i would love to be someone who create short animation film, i am learning how to draw … IT WAS MY DREAM

but then my dad passed away , i have a single mom ,4 siblings ,2 brothers and 2 sisters include me , my first brother is such a jerk , he had twins son ,his wife is useless . now they are already divoiced , my second brother , he work as a doctor at uk , he is doing fine but still he can be abit weird sometime because he has this depression issues ,, as for my sister she is now learning mandarin at taiwan ,, soo only left me my mom and my first brother and the twins ,, i am strunggling right now , thinking about this situasion make me feel lost .. im 18 years old, facing my exammination with my dad ,, i was crying all night just to think how to make my mom happy ? how to cook delicious food ? how to impress my mom ? how to make my mom feel less lonely ? how ? and how.

and one more thing that make me triggered is that , my dream is now faded , i lost my motivation , i lost my inspritions , im weak , if i follow my dream , i would leave my mom alone with my jerk a** brother and let my mom take care of his kids .. my mom is 52 years old .. she is old .. i cant let him do tht

ive been searching a korean friends so i could have this long distance friendship that i always dream off lol i know im weird but yeh ,, i have so much deep thought and im so lonely

sorry if my grammar is not perfect , i am asians