Just over a year ago, my life was under real stress, I was 32 at the time. We had a young son, and my wife was due to return to work from a year off maternity leave. She was angry with me for not earning enough which would be sufficient for her to stay at home (some of the mothers in her mothers group were able to quit work completely because their husbands had high paying jobs). I had some financial stress from paying for a holiday for our wedding anniversary. Since the birth of our son, we had very little s**, mostly because of her lack of interest.

What hurt most was that she made comments that if she had thought about what I earned, she would have reconsidered her decision to marry me.

I have never ever felt so low in my life, in fact I thought about walking away in the middle of the night and passing away in a sewer somewhere, it was that bad…the thing that saved me was that I would never see my young son grow up and enjoy the experiences with him that a father would enjoy.

In light of all this, I wanted to restore my manhood and confidence, and so ordered some c***** online (c***** is a drug similar to V*****) from a US-based pharmacy. I had taken c***** before, it was prescribed by a doctor for some performance anxiety I had, which sorted itself out. My wife found about it (as I left the email open on our iPad for the purchase) and was angry. I couldn’t say anything as I was so embarassed and upset, given the circumstances. I told her I wouldn’t use the c*****.

My wife was approaching 35, and we wanted another child to compliment our family. She wanted her childbearing done by 35, given the risks of having children after 35. After the first month of trying, my wife made a comment that it was my fault she wasn’t falling pregnant, I dont think she meant it seriously, but it hurt. I ended up ordering some c***** online (from the same place) and taking it on a saturday morning. We had s** about an hour later and we had s** on the Monday evening as well (its probably likely that my Monday performance was placebo effect, as c***** runs for 36 hours). As a consequence, my wife became pregnant, and in fact we now have a beautiful, healthy baby daughter who’s almost three months old. I haven’t had to use c***** since and don’t intend to, until sometime in my 40s or so.

Im upset that I lied to my wife about using c***** more than anything else. Im not that upset about using it to conceive our daughter, as I understand that many men have performance issues when its time to impregnate their wives, and I love my daughter and her smiles.

I forgive my wife for the stress she put me under, although I never spoke to her about it and how down I felt at the time. She moved countries to be with me, and I have lied to her in the past about my s***** history (she was a virgin when we married and was pretty uptight about s**, I had a few s***** relationships, and lied to her that I had never had unprotected s**, when I did have unprotected s** once with an ex, although I am no casanova and have only had s** with five women, including my wife).

I love my wife so much, but its so hard when I got criticised so much. I don’t think she truly understood the implications of what she was saying.

This is why I did what I did, whilst it involved some deception, the end result justifies the means.