I deserve to be beaten. I deserve to be raped and molested and starved and hurt. I deserve to be punched and kicked. I know it’s sick, but every time I hear a story about that kind of thing happening to some poor kid or other person, I always think that it should instead be happening to me. I would deserve it. I know that I’m selfish to want to live. I know it. I know I’m probably going to unconsciously look for an abusive boyfriend when I get older because I would deserve it. I deserve to feel pain so others don’t have to. I have suicidal thoughts a lot, but I’m too selfish to leave because I want to stay. I want to at least make something of myself so I can be financially stable, because I know that’s the only stability I’ll have. My family overall has been very good to me, so I don’t know where these feelings and thoughts come from. I feel so guilty for thinking this because others will say that it’s not true, but I feel like it is. It is. I’m scared because I keep feeling like something must have happened to me when I was little, but I don’t know what and I can’t figure it out. I can’t ask anyone for help. I just can’t be a burden. I have to help people. That’s the only reason I’m staying. That’s the only reason why I’ve made a promise to stay.