I started college in September 2013. I loved my secondary school, I had been there for 5 years and it was my safe haven, I always had somewhere to go and someone to talk to and it made me feel amazing. I grew up there, you could say, and what a place it was to grow up in. And then everything changed. I got my exam results and went off to college; I wasn’t alone then, like I am now, I had my closest friends in tow and I assumed things could carry on the way they were.
My first week at college was hell. My friends and I had become friends with a group of boys, taking us to a group of about 15 people. And that’s when I started to feel alone. I was no longer included and there was a wedge that had been driven between us. That’s when I started self harming and thinking about suicide. Who would care? I wondered, I wanted to make them feel what they had done. And once suicidal thoughts come they never really go, every time something goes wrong you immediately think of suicide; the ultimate way out.
This continued for the first term at college, I just kept getting pushed further and further away, who could I turn to?!?! And then things got a little better, I was numb to the pain, it had plateaued and was more bareable.
Then that fateful night happened. I met him. Under the influence of alcohol we spilled our secrets and shared our first kiss. Afterwards we would go out on dates, what a gentleman I thought, isn’t he lovely. Well things went further, he met my parents and I loved him, I loved us, it was great, when the others weren’t around.
And then one day, the week before valentine’s day to be precise, he asked to meet me, I met him and he said he didn’t want to see me anymore, no explanations, no excuses, a clean break. It hurt, it was my 10/10 pain.
One of my closest friends had become close with him, not close in that way, but still, close enough. She took his side; she had only known him for a few months. I cannot describe the shattering in my heart when she did that, she wasn’t the person I became friends with. I was ostracized from the group, only 3 people took my side, but now I fear that they regret that decision.
I got better, things got better, I didn’t cut myself so much. I felt almost like a normal person again and then when the summer holidays hit I was free! Finally free! I didn’t have to see the people I hated and I could spend time with the people that I loved, and one of whom I began to love too much. And yet he didn’t love me back, but it was ok, it was a honor to be able to just be in his presence, I feel like a better person when I’m with him, not so lonely, not such a mess.
But now September has rolled around and I am back at college, I’ve been back for one day and I saw the people that I hated, the memories came rushing back. I was separated from that friend I love too much, I was alone again. Things have come a full circle and I don’t think I can do it again, I don’t want to live another day. I came home and watched the blood run down my skin again, I hate it, I hate myself, I hate life. I can’t do this anymore. I want to die.