Hi,
I was in love with a girl. I loved her too much. 🙁 I relied on her too much emotionally after my best friend died. She was one whom i trusted and feared losing. I would like to share my past before I continue. My parents went through a tough time when i was a child. Dad hailed from a poor family and mom was the daughter of a well off businessman. Their marriage was arranged as he hailed from a good family but weren’t well off. And its easier to control in laws of poor family. My dad earned average wages and he tried real hard to make ends meet. My mom wanted a lot from him. Dad was a self-righteous man. Dad was afraid to lose mom so he didn’t let her pursue her career. He was afraid she would not concentrate on raising their son (ME). He gave her as much as he could. 20 years back, when i had just started learning from the world, Everyday I would see my parents fight. I would stand alone crying begging them to stop. Mom never cared to stop nagging. Eventually i stopped crying. Throughout my childhood i learnt to suppress my inner voice. Nothing made me happy but my parents’ smiles. The day when they laughed together, I would rejoice as if it were a festival of joy. I started doing things which made them very happy(do well academically, participate in athletics, represent and win for my school in several dance competitions). As i grew old, i made a few friends. I would be bullied as i was too timid. One day, in school, fate got me seated beside a guy (who would eventually be my best buddy). We would share secrets, crack jokes etc. I never invited any friends over. He would come over to my place and we’d talk all day about girls, stupid teachers and the bullies. Somehow as time passed by, our lives were symbiotic. I started feeling comfortable and emotionally secured in life. Any trouble i had, i would share and reinvigorate my spirit. Soon, He fell in love with a girl who loved him a lot. I fell in love with a girl who made my life better(Atleast i thought she did) . Life went on. Everything was great. One night, me and my friends decided on a road trip. On our way we met with an accident and i lost my childhood pal. (…. 🙁 ) I was hospitalized. I woke up three days later and by the time his funeral was done. I couldn’t even bid him farewell. I was shattered emotionally. I got too close to the girl i loved. But she would always flirt with other guys. She would never care much for me. Unfortunately, She took the center stage of my life. I loved her a lot. Too much that it started bothering her as i got possessive. I should’ve seen a psychiatrist back then. But I was only 17. I didn’t want to ask my parents for any help as they would start blaming each other(They blamed each other for my accident). My girl was my emotional anchor. I slowly developed a habit of drinking to get over my friend’s loss. I would verbally abuse her if i saw her take a picture with any guy or even if she pooled a vehicle to college with another guy. I was unstable. Our relationship started slipping out of my hands. I was afraid to lose her. I asked her for s**. She denied but i insisted. For some reason I thought she would never leave me if we slept. She gave in. I got physically attached to her. Although we had s** for three times in a span of 4 years, we would meet up once in two-three weeks and, get physical and climax. Eventually things became alright. I reduced alcohol. I stopped abusing. But her friendship with other guys annoyed me. My mental instability lead me to verbally abuse her more. She gave up. But what happened next killed me. For a span of few weeks she was disinterested in talking to me. I sensed trouble and checked up on her. I hacked her Facebook account and i found out through her personal messages that she had crush on several guys. She flirted with many. Then, she cheated on me. I went mad. It broke my heart. I couldnt help the situation get better. Fate again put me through a situation where i couldn’t do anything but cry. She never apologised. She wasnt even guilty. After much self denial I forgave her. I went back to her. I had no one. I was ignored by her. We would meet up for a date and she would be busy staring into her cellphone. Soon i started feeling like a lesser man. I lost my self confidence. I was hollow again. I would not watch p*** but I started watching cuckold p***. It disgusted me. But i had to watch it and arouse myself. I cried. I wanted to stop but i didnt want to let her go. I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted someone. 🙁 Cuckold became a habit. My “organs” got debilitated. I was exhausted. I couldnt arouse myself anymore. It sucked. I went into depression. I broke up with her. I resorted to marijuana and alcohol. I would spend all my day being high. Made bad friends. Life went down hill. While all this was happening.(My dad had started doing well. My parents’ married life got better.) I didnt get a job in my college although i was the placement coordinator for my college. Hell was home and hell got comfortable. NOW, My parents mock at me for being unable to find a job. My younger brother whom ive supported all my life looks down upon me. It is high time i stood up for myself. Ive stopped pot. Ive cleansed myself. Ive started studying. Now i am close to getting a job. I have myself. But i have to confess that im aroused only by cuckold p***. It disgusts me. A man watching his woman getting it from another man and her enjoying it. ITS RIDICULOUS!! But that’s the only thing that arouses me now. I hope to see the day when i get out of this mess. I need to reprogram myself. I have planned to see a doctor once i start earning. I hope to get well. I watched it tonight again and beat to it. I hated myself. I had to confess it and put it out. Now im done with this s***. Im going to raise up. Raise up for myself. I am innocent. I deserve a better life. I will work for it and will achieve it.