Twice I’ve seen you play, and twice I haven’t been impressed. You’re obviously a nice man, you’re look though you’ve just come from a bath, your clothes are pressed, and you’re polite. You play well, your singing is ehh – it exists. You need to get up on that mike and make us pay attention, to grab us, smash us, f*** us, kiss us, give us tension and release. Right now, within 20 seconds when you sing, people start talking. They clap when it’s over because they’re polite.

For some reason, the MC thinks it would be a fantastic idea for us to team up as a duo, and he told me so, not giving me any room to say A) I will find my own musicians if and when I need them B) That I might not share his high opinion of you. He obviously told you the same thing, because after the gig you came up to me and said you wanted to get together with me and “jam” and that you had a lot of good songs. I was non-committal because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, but then you emailed me today saying you looked forward to “getting together,” which indicates you’re kind of dim. Nice guy – but dim. Take a hint, man – making music is like making love, and I don’t want to make love with you.

I looked you up on the net – you don’t have even a video, a website, a recording, nothing, and bro, you’re 59 years old. You’ve been an amateur all your life. I have 4 albums, a music publishing deal and I’m in the business. It doesn’t mean I’m famous or a millionaire- it just means I usually play with people who are on my level, or better. I know you want to play with me, but you need to take a look at why I would want to play with you. Are you amazing? No. Can you hook us up with some sweet gigs? No. Do you do music full-time, with your guts, your heart, your soul? Do you wake up every day and the first thing you do is put on music so the world is a brighter place? Are you on the f****** edge, like me, your life on the line?

No.

So please, quit with the invitations, the emails and the other requests to get together outside of when we see each other in public.

I’m not interested in you and never will be. Look around, you’ll find someone that wants to play music for fun. They will be from your small town, maybe played a few open mikes, but they’ll have a full-time job, a mortgage, and children, like you.

Hint: Try getting drunk. Try rolling in the mud and then taking the stage. Lose the corny hat. Stop being such a nice guy – you’re boring. People aren’t compelled to stare at nice people on stage. People want your heart, your guts, your soul, as if this song is the last song of your life and you’ll be shot as soon as it ends.

Until you play like that, people will continue to talk through your sets.

I’ll see you around. And no offense – none meant.