I can pinpoint the exact most devastating moment in my life.

The point where I went from a bright and promising future to struggling to get out of bed every day and destroying myself and my future all in one go (years of hard work down the toilet)

It was the day that someone spread a rumor about me.

So there I was, 18 years old, away from home from the first time. In a very restricted environment, forced to interact with the same people every day. With a bunch of 20-21 year old boys in a very real position of power over me, and someone spreads a vicious rumor about me.

And I’m a pariah. And I’m routinely bullied. And I start to go to pieces.

And I could go on and on about the fact that I am a socially awkward mess somehow offends people enough for them to outright bully me. I’m unfortunately really damn noticeable and therefore a target, and I’ve never ever figured out why.

I broke in the end; it took nearly 2 years, but I broke. I tried so hard but I had to leave my bright future behind. I fell headfirst into depression and I’ve never rediscovered that passionate girl who, for all that she was a loser and a mess, was so excited by life, was so determined to succeed that she did.

Nowadays I just give up. I barely have enough energy to take a shower let alone fight for myself.

I blame that one single person who left my life in shambles.

And this is an open letter to someone who will never read this, to someone who will never care, and someone I will never tell because I don’t want them to know they had the power to utterly destroy my life (not all of these are bad things, because people aren’t wholly bad. People are just people and sometimes they do unkind things.)

I blame you Ms. Roommate who liked Broadway
Ms. Had no upper body strength
Ms. Thought terrible things of those who had s** before marriage
Ms. Wanted to get married before you turned 22
Ms. Wanted a beautiful wedding
Ms. Kind of a bad singer but not completely terrible
Ms. Thought your makeup was more important than other people getting in trouble because you were late.
Ms. Too lazy to clean up after yourself
Ms. Really quite pretty
Ms. Glee enthusiast
Ms. Play my TV shows without headphones as loud as you can
Ms. Took my junk food but wouldn’t eat regular food and everyone thought you were anorexic and judged me for not doing something about it even though I brought this up nicely with people in charge and you freaking gave away the special food they brought for you.
Ms. I’ve never said a bad word about you before today.
Ms. I’m still facebook friends with you and I want to throw up every time I see your face
Ms. Constantly asked me to crack your back for you
Ms. Quite pleasantly polite
Ms. I confronted you in front of 2 of your friends about the rumor and you f****** stuttered and said you didn’t know anything about it. You stuttered in front of 2 people 100% on your side because you lied you lied you lied.

Ms. Continued to spread the rumor and I have screenshot proof to this day.

And it is so important to me that you lied because I have such low self-esteem I will believe people it if they say bad things about me.

And it took friends and strangers and acquaintances actually bursting into laughter when I told them the rumor for me to be sure you lied. And I’m so glad I’m not actually as terrible a person as you made me out to be, because I couldn’t handle being that horrible.

Ms. You weren’t my first my bully and you weren’t my last but you were the most two faced and the most devastating
Ms. I’m going to hope that today is the last day that I think on you because I have to draw a line in the sand over how much power I give you

Mrs. You got married today and I can’t even wish you unhappiness (all I want is to forget you)
Mrs. I’ve really really got to block you on facebook I mean why to I do this to myself jfc