I talked with a man from the UK for years – to protect the innocent I’ll name him John. We became close friends from the time I was 15/16 years old. We would talk nearly every day, we’d exchange gifts in the mail, call eachother, text eachother – we developed a very close relationship. I really loved him and he knew every bit of me. John went through every relationship I had from 16-22 and was always there to pick up the pieces and love me. Every time the distance became too much and I never thought we would meet so I focused on people within my area and of course John never complained. It wasn’t long till I started dating someone more seriously unlike I ever had but I couldn’t let John out of my head. We talked daily, we tried to keep it friendly but it never worked out that way. John saved up enough money to meet me and flew all the way to where I lived. I was secretly excited and even though I was still dating someone local I met up with John. The guy I was dating locally was still tangled up in some relationship issues with his ex so I decided why not. It felt a little weird at first mainly because I felt guilty and I had to hide it. I wish I could of just been open with him and done everything I had wanted to. I held back because I knew after he left to go home to the UK I would never see him again. I pushed him away even terrified to open myself up to him. It’s been at least 5 years from that time and we ended on bad terms because I pushed him away so aggressively. I know for a matter of fact he hates my guts and wishes I never existed. I’m now married to the man I was “dating” at the time John and I were together and I try to think I’m happy in every way. Every once in a while I think about John and sometimes wished I didn’t give up so easily because he didn’t give up on me. I feel like our connection was so strong that I should of let go of my fears and fought to keep him. My life could be totally different right now, I could be living the life that John and I talked about. I guiltily try and google search and find social media accounts he’s attached to but nothing turns up – he was never the social media type..mainly just messenger. Then I give my head a shake and realize even if I did find him, he’d curse me off (rightfully so) and I’d likely be left with even more guilt. If I could talk to him today I would tell him I’m sorry I led him on, I’m sorry I hurt him and I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with him or how I felt. I wouldn’t of stopped him in that hotel room from kissing me because I craved it. I wish I didn’t go crazy some nights thinking of him – it’s funny to think he’s nothing more than a memory now. (Date submitted: 2014)