I was violently raped 9 times a week before my sixteenth birthday by my boyfriends friend. I am now turning 22 in 2 weeks and all I can do is think about it. I am no longer with that boyfriend but with another guy now. I went to counselling and it helped somewhat but every year around this time I start to feel dirty, worthless and like I deserve more of it. I want to run away from my life and cry for days about losing myself that day, my joy, my innocence…I want someone to hold me while I do it and never let me go and let me mourn that day. Just hold me. I had a stranger hold me all night long and it felt so good. I have never felt so safe since I was raped but he is only a stranger and doesnt have feelings towards me. I was a one night stand and thats it. I thought maybe there was more but the next morning when he is talking about never being a lifer to a friend and the girl he had over it tore me apart. I felt safe with an untrrustworthy man. The first time Ive ever felt comforted and safe and it was an untrustworthy man. We didnt have s** until after he revealed his true self in the morning. I did it so I would remember that all men want to do is use you for what they want, thats it. Im about to be single soon and its so painful to know I will never trust another man in my life.
