I have got no substance, i think am too kind and honest but now i know that its all an illusion, i was once upon a time an intelligent hardworking honest and a true girl but it lies only in the past now .
I cant love any one, am just a people pleaser, i cant just keep my promises but i make promises with all my heart, i lack in almost everything and i just cant work hard.
The most recent incident which made things crystal clear to me was this:
I don’t know if i can say this now, but still.. I love a person and its been always him in my heart. I have it for him since i have known him, we don’t stay in the same city anymore but i never let it go, we are best best friends and also love each other and have confessed now. It was a long journey for me to first find him ( after i lost contact with him since I left his city) and then revive the bond that we always shared.
I still remember those days when i prayed ( honestly speaking- begged god) to make him love me, I promised god i will make my self worth him and if i fail to do so i would never look behind. I was so determined to have him and i really worked to become a better person, as a result today he calls me his angel and swears no one can ever replace me in his life, he says am a pure soul and i am self less and deep inside i know that i am losing it, and i cant bear the thought that am not as pure a soul as he considers me to be, I was but am no longer the same. Day by day am losing control over myself i cant achieve anything be it academics or extra circular and each time i fail i feel i failed him cause he strongly believes in my capabilities much more than me and i never work hard to keep his faith intact. I feel am cheating him i cant even work hard for sake of him, so i keep questioning him whether i love him or not!!
I am frustrated cause i think i just love him in my mind and i don’t have the heart anymore to prove my feelings to him and the world.
The thought of being away from him or losing him kills me.I am a law student and so we have these moots ,I was damn scared for this up coming moot, he some how convinced me to do it, he showed utter faith in me and i promised him that i will do it but i could not keep the promise and i did not do it due to lack of preparation and i don’t have the guts to tell him this. If things remain the way they are i think i will hurt him really bad some day and i cant let it happen i don’t know why i just have lost all the guts to make things happen. I HATE MY SELF FOR THIS.
And not just this, there have been so many instances when i failed him, i always do the wrong thing, i dont know what has gotten on to me.
With this i feel if am not worth him anymore I should not be involved with him now cause in spite of the absconder that I have become i still want him to get the best of everything and if I cant be the best for him I better walk away or take the responsibility to win that confidence that lost faith in my own eyes. I cant tell him how much i love him and i will never tell him, that i will have no hope left to live if he is not around, if i cant prove the same to him.
He is my hero and will always be, I want him to smile for ever and for always and I want to learn to keep all the promises i want to win now. I hope i will learn to do so for him. Or else i will leave.
