12 years
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I have got no substance, i think am too kind and honest but now i know that its all an illusion, i was once upon a time an intelligent hardworking honest and a true girl but it lies only in the past now .
I cant love any one, am just a people pleaser, i cant just keep my promises but i make promises with all my heart, i lack in almost everything and i just cant work hard.
The most recent incident which made things crystal clear to me was this:
I don’t know if i can say this now, but still.. I love a person and its been always him in my heart. I have it for him since i have known him, we don’t stay in the same city anymore but i never let it go, we are best best friends and also love each other and have confessed now. It was a long journey for me to first find him ( after i lost contact with him since I left his city) and then revive the bond that we always shared.
I still remember those days when i prayed ( honestly speaking- begged god) to make him love me, I promised god i will make my self worth him and if i fail to do so i would never look behind. I was so determined to have him and i really worked to become a better person, as a result today he calls me his angel and swears no one can ever replace me in his life, he says am a pure soul and i am self less and deep inside i know that i am losing it, and i cant bear the thought that am not as pure a soul as he considers me to be, I was but am no longer the same. Day by day am losing control over myself i cant achieve anything be it academics or extra circular and each time i fail i feel i failed him cause he strongly believes in my capabilities much more than me and i never work hard to keep his faith intact. I feel am cheating him i cant even work hard for sake of him, so i keep questioning him whether i love him or not!!
I am frustrated cause i think i just love him in my mind and i don’t have the heart anymore to prove my feelings to him and the world.
The thought of being away from him or losing him kills me.I am a law student and so we have these moots ,I was damn scared for this up coming moot, he some how convinced me to do it, he showed utter faith in me and i promised him that i will do it but i could not keep the promise and i did not do it due to lack of preparation and i don’t have the guts to tell him this. If things remain the way they are i think i will hurt him really bad some day and i cant let it happen i don’t know why i just have lost all the guts to make things happen. I HATE MY SELF FOR THIS.
And not just this, there have been so many instances when i failed him, i always do the wrong thing, i dont know what has gotten on to me.
With this i feel if am not worth him anymore I should not be involved with him now cause in spite of the absconder that I have become i still want him to get the best of everything and if I cant be the best for him I better walk away or take the responsibility to win that confidence that lost faith in my own eyes. I cant tell him how much i love him and i will never tell him, that i will have no hope left to live if he is not around, if i cant prove the same to him.
He is my hero and will always be, I want him to smile for ever and for always and I want to learn to keep all the promises i want to win now. I hope i will learn to do so for him. Or else i will leave.

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Idk if this happens commonly or if i am just very very unlucky. My father passed away 9 years before my mother. When she passed it was time to clean out the home they lived in for over 30 years of a 60 year marriage. My father took his camera with him all over the world in the military. Still camera and 8mm. Boxes and boxes of slides and reels. I simply saved them and set them aside for later. I got time months later and got one of those 35mm slide to jpg scanners and just ground thru them. When i got them all scanned i got a later chance to prop my feet up and go thru them. Amongst all the widespread scenery and travel and cool vintage moments i stumble across pics of my mother. Many of them simple poses in many places, mostly outdoors, she was actually a modestly attractive classic pinup type. But then i run into the lingerie shots. And then the tasteful n u d e s indoors and outdoors. And then the real shocker. On any scale my mother was the classic church going uppity prudish b**** woth zero tolerance for bawdy or suggestive behavior or language. Hell sometimes i would say something crude just to push her uptight buttons. You would not believe how bent out of shape she got when she found evidence of my first s** dream on the sheets. Or at least what i ever saw from her was that way.

But i see hundreds of shots that are full bore graphic. Nothing artful about them. Spread shots, bendovers, hands between her legs, and then actually having s**. But in none of them is my father the man she is havimg s** with. He was obviously behind the camera. Some of them? A minister i recognize because she used to drag me to church all the time. Neighbors or friends of my parents that i remember. . It just kept piling on. Shots of my mother having lesbian s** with my aunt, my father’s older sister. Shots of my mother with other women i dont recognize, shots of my aunt with some of the same women. Shots of my mother with multiple men. Def did not wake up that or any day expecting or wanting to see pics of my mother getting spitroasted or used by a group of men and pretty much looking like she is having a grand time. When i do manage to force myself to power thru them all, hypocrtically, my parents were both moderately racist, but the handful that did have my father in them? He was having s** with a few different women, all african american women, except for one woman. His f****** sister, the same aunt i saw shots of my mother having s** with.

The s***** part was having to go through all of them because i did not want to risk losing family photos or memories or history that were NOT my parents’ s** escapades. At that point i accepted that the stack of 8mm movies might be similar. And i was right. The huge majority of them were my mother and the various random men my mother was having s** with, but some of the men were not in the still shot stack. No decent family movies at all sadly, the whole lot except 3 of the 8mm were either my mother and who tf knows who the men were, or great, a lesbian movie with my same aunt. The 3 exceptions? A mix of my parents doing foursomes with two diff couples. Both of those couples i knew/ remembered as family friends, i had grown up with their kids. In both cases wife swapping with my parents. And the crown jewel…..obviously sarcastically….my dad with my mother and aunt.

Look don,t get me wrong, i am nowhere near a prude, we all have our little quirks and kinks. I am not judging any of them, it was theie thing to do. I confess i had a few queasy reactions because the stills and movies span a time from before i or my sister were even born, to a time when we were mid 30s, which put my parents and aunt in their 70s. Hell i hope i am still having s** when i am that age.

By the time i was done, i had one focus…..there was not a condom in sight in any of it. Was my father actually my father? Is my sister my full sister or half sister? Do i have half siblings i dont even know somewhere? How glad am i that i have never done the spit in a tube ancestry or 23 and me thing, because i do not want to fall into that vortex of doom?