i didn’t save them. i can’t even say i “couldn’t” because that would imply that i was completely helpless. i COULD have done more. i COULD have sucked it up, and been stronger, and fought tooth and nail, and been more controlling. i COULD have been less lazy and selfish. i COULD have, through sheer force of will, stopped them from destroying themselves…. but i didn’t. i don’t even want forgiveness, i just want to get this out somewhere that i don’t have to hear people say “it was their choice” or “there’s nothing you could have done” or “they were adults. you have to let people live their own lives and make their own decisions” because no, no i didn’t. i’ve always been stronger than they were, i just wasn’t willing to be strong enough.