I am 19 and I won't let myself forget I will never say to or call my child -fat Haven’t fluctuated since 6 grade more than 5 lbs either direction -close

12 years

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I am 19 and I won’t let myself forget

I will never say to or call my child

-fat
Haven’t fluctuated since 6 grade more than 5 lbs either direction
-close to a thousand pounds
it is sad what you will say to win
-a w****
I was looking for love
-a b****
Only when I am attacked, and only cause I learned from you
-that everyone, even adults and family, say they are a b****
I walked around believing everyone thought that for years
-completely friendless
over and over until I believed all my friends weren’t my friends
-heartless
It was a survival skill I formed to protect myself from your words
-stupid
even in college you still believe I am stupid
-a drunk/druggy
once I stopped being heartless, I drowned the pain of your words with alcohol and pot.
-or that I hate them
you said it twice, but I could hear it ever word.

no matter how angry I get or how I feel in the heat of a moment, because I will always forgive the cruel words said to me, but I will never forget the hurt and damage they caused me!

Money means nothing. I won’t show them that I love them only when they win/do something exceptional. I won’t use giving money as my way of showing my love to them. I will use my words and I will use them often, because I want them to know what real love is, so they will not look for love in the wrong places. And if they mess up and ask for help and forgiveness, I will always be there with out the I told you so and insults. I will do this, because I remember messing up and asking for help and forgiveness, only to be called a w****, selfish, and disgusting.

I will take a stand against my spouse when they are in the wrong. My children will not suffer as I did. Wrong is wrong.

I will not leave weaved belt welts on my children’s bodies for days, because I remember how painful sitting in class was and how I had to lie about the bruising peeking out of my leo. I have never heard anyone scream the way we did in pain. The screams of pure agony I exerted along with my sisters still haunt me. Along with the snap your belt made and the crack your hairbrush made as in broke in 2 on my head. A spanking is ok, but physically beating or whipping is not.

I will listen to my child when they are hurting, because I still have the scars on my arms from dealing with the hurt alone, and being told the way I was feeling was normal and I should man up about it. I remember sitting at my twin’s door begging her to stop. Nobody deserves to feel alone and helpless in house full of family.

Because you taught me what I never want to be. I never want to be you.

I can’t truly love. I never was shown what true love is.

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Day of my wedding. Who wants to talk to me? My grandmother. What did she tell me. Before you do it tonight. Give him a H a n d j o b first. He’ll last longer. Grandmother was right.