Every single time I’ve had s** I’ve been raped, but i think i wanted it deep down . Because I’m a w****. I’ve always been that w**** even when i was little.
I wanted to marry the guy who touched me. He told me to call him daddy and made me pretend to be his daughter. He would play dolls with me, he would read to me, he would brush and braid my hair, he would be like my best friend and a dad rolled into one then he’d touch me. I think it was a good thing he never had kids.
He made me o*****. The only times I’ve ever orgasmed were at 8 years old. He touched me multiple times, he fingered me, he made me blow him, sometimes for hours, and he ate me out. He never fucked me because he wanted to keep me “pure.” He told me he was gonna marry me when i was older and he would do it then.
The next s***** experience i had was a guy who asked me to a school dance trapping me in his car and forcing me to blow him, and he ended up breaking two of my teeth.
The next s***** experience was my now ex boyfriend putting his fingers in me while i was napping with him. I don’t know if that was really r*** or not because i made out with him before that. Either way it was somewhat my fault.
I don’t want to tell anyone about these two because no one will believe me, i think they will think I’m too ugly for that to have happened.
Nobody in my life even knows about any of this except for a friend who lives in another state, and he doesn’t know the extent of what happened. I’m still not able to write even half of everything about when i was a kid.
The worst part about it is that i still think about the guy from when i was a kid. I’m still attracted to him. The other two I just feel plain anger and fear but him i miss him and i feel disgusting. Sometimes i almost wish he would come back and when i think that i want to die. I want him back brushing and braiding my hair and i want to crawl out of my skin. A part of me a sick twisted part of me still fantasizes about having s** with him, i want to vomit but i still fantasize about it. An even worse part of me hopes we can be together again. I don’t know why i can’t hate him like the other two.
