12 years
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I’m terrified that I’m going to get drunk and offend my friends and coworkers but I can’t stop drinking – it’s the only way I can socialize with people other than a few close friends. And it’s one of the few things I enjoy doing anymore. I’ve got a great, engaging job that I like, and I don’t know what I’d do if I lost it because I said something offensive to one of my coworkers when we go out drinking. I love drinking when I’m doing it; the hangover and anxiety that I did something offensive the next few days makes me just want to go back to bed and ignore the world. I’ve already offended other people when I’ve been drunk in the past (and horribly regretted it), but this is the first time in my life where I might offend co-workers and lose my job. Even if it’s highly unlikely that this would happen, it keeps me up at night.

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When I was in college my roommate was raped and murdered in a stairwell. I left that school and later completed my degree on line. I lived with my mother.

I had a long time jib working for a cupcake store. One random day a man stopped for a birthday cupcake for his secretary. I asked him if men still had secretaries. He asked if I had an education. Since I had a degree I could be his secretary, the birthday girl was moving.

The company offices had fifty people, mostly male, engineers. The other females were all young, dressed well, fawned over the men. Hired for their looks. I was hired for my looks, 22 blonde.

The man, he wanted a secretary who was affectionate to him. Kiss on the cheek every morning. Wore dresses, a little cleavage. A slap across the a** type of man. He kissed me in his office, felt me up and told me he was coming to my house. I told him I lived with my mother.

He showed up and my mother told me to serve him. He told her he was there for me. He saw me at the cupcake store and decided to marry me.

My mother asked Jim questions, like interviewing him for me. He passed, professional, manager, good job, but how did she know if he could father children. I got married anyways , fingers crossed.

Five years without children. Five years of keeping myself away from him. Five years of this and that girl. He turned 33, I either got pregnant or he would leave me.

Coercion. Blackmail. Forced to comply. It was as awful as I imagined. You only give up your virgin status once. It was awful. What can I say. He repeated it to make sure I got pregnant.

You see, my college roommate was my lover. When I lost her everything ended for me. I married him to please my mother. It’s awful, what can I say. I’m cheating on her memory. This child in me, if I have a girl I will name her after Cristina.