I love you more than the stars in the sky. You are my everything. It broke my heart and put it together again when you said you’ll love me even if I’m with someone else. I knew it already but hearing you say it to my face is a whole new experience. I want so badly to talk about that night with you to validate things but I know you’re not in that place yet. I know you were vulnerable and not able to speak about it right now. I don’t even know how. You were the only person I’ve ever wanted to have a family with. I’ve said this a lot here and I’m saying it again. Even now. Even after the absolute devastation of life these past few years. I told you that you make me happy. Even someone who could give me everything in this world made me miserable. But you, you make me happy. Even when I’m mad at you I want you to be here. I miss you so f****** much. You are all I have ever wanted.

I will admit you were not my type. You were not the people I sought out but you were everything I ever needed. When we separated I blocked you on everything and decided you didn’t exist. It never happened. I willingly blocked it from my memory and I didn’t date until years later because I couldn’t. I did sleep with some people but it always made me feel disgusting. When I did take opportunities to date I tried so hard to force myself to fall in love. It never worked. They were never you. Even when I finally forgot about you my heart, body, and soul never did. I drowned myself in liquor to forget. So many bad things happened. And then one unexpected day there you were. Fixing me all over again without even realizing. You saw me at my absolute worst in so many different ways and here you are telling me you love me still.

And here I am speaking to the void wishing it was you. I tried so many times to tell you that you’re my soul mate and you’re the only person I could be happy with. Other people see it now too. I’m still here waiting. I’ve given up trying to fight it. Trying to prove to myself I can’t find someone else. You are the only person who makes me feel. Who makes me come back to reality when the worst s*** happens. I want only you. Even if I’m alone forever and you find somebody else, I just want you in my life. F***. I love you so much. That’s why I can’t let go. That’s why I panic when it’s not you. That’s part of why I’m here now. F*** me I can’t get over you with time or distance or bodies. I’ve accepted that I’ll never get married or have kids or be truly happy bc ik you don’t actually want me . But having you here makes life a little easier. Makes life worth living another day. So long as I get to see you again and hear your voice and talk to you. So long as you’re here, life is worth living. If you weren’t here I’d have become another statistic a very long time ago.