No matter who I’m with I can’t stop thinking about Jason. Even when someone’s fvcking me, I can’t get the thought of him out of my head. I feel bad for not focusing on the people I’m with, but I just keep missing him through every distraction I try. I kept thinking about him when I was having s** with my lover, and I feel guilty for it because even when I tried to get him off my mind, he’s still there. I came really hard to the thought of him and I feel bad, like I’m somehow using both him and my lover in ways they might not agree to. I can’t help it. He’s constantly in my thoughts. As soon as I wake up my first thoughts are that I miss him, and that I want to die because I can’t make myself trust anyone that’s actually around me. I want to, but I know as soon as I let my guard down they’ll do something to hurt me. I can’t keep my guard up with Jason for some reason. I can’t hide any of my feelings around him. I don’t understand it. That’s never happened with anyone else. I love him. I miss him, and I’ll keep missing him until I die. I hope I get to die soon.