12 years
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i have a girlfriend, see. and i love her and so i really hate myself for being in love with a second person. it’s this boy who is beautiful and at one point he said he liked me too, but it was after i started going out with my girlfriend, plus he’s overage and i’m not, so we couldn’t do anything. sadly, i feel like both are moving away from me and i suppose i deserve it because they are both wonderful people who i probably annoy, but i keep wishing that, just once, i could kiss that wonderful boy and it would be okay. they are both so special and i care about them both and i hate hate hate that i have to have my affections so split. i secretly hope she just reads my mind and breaks up with me because, even though i don’t act on those feelings toward him, she deserves someone who gives her their absolute attention. but i really do love her, so i can’t bring myself to break up with her. especially since the boy is going somewhere after he graduates and so i will probably never see him again after that.

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When I was in college my roommate was raped and murdered in a stairwell. I left that school and later completed my degree on line. I lived with my mother.

I had a long time jib working for a cupcake store. One random day a man stopped for a birthday cupcake for his secretary. I asked him if men still had secretaries. He asked if I had an education. Since I had a degree I could be his secretary, the birthday girl was moving.

The company offices had fifty people, mostly male, engineers. The other females were all young, dressed well, fawned over the men. Hired for their looks. I was hired for my looks, 22 blonde.

The man, he wanted a secretary who was affectionate to him. Kiss on the cheek every morning. Wore dresses, a little cleavage. A slap across the a** type of man. He kissed me in his office, felt me up and told me he was coming to my house. I told him I lived with my mother.

He showed up and my mother told me to serve him. He told her he was there for me. He saw me at the cupcake store and decided to marry me.

My mother asked Jim questions, like interviewing him for me. He passed, professional, manager, good job, but how did she know if he could father children. I got married anyways , fingers crossed.

Five years without children. Five years of keeping myself away from him. Five years of this and that girl. He turned 33, I either got pregnant or he would leave me.

Coercion. Blackmail. Forced to comply. It was as awful as I imagined. You only give up your virgin status once. It was awful. What can I say. He repeated it to make sure I got pregnant.

You see, my college roommate was my lover. When I lost her everything ended for me. I married him to please my mother. It’s awful, what can I say. I’m cheating on her memory. This child in me, if I have a girl I will name her after Cristina.