30 year old male. Diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, in and out of funny farms for 4+ years and counting. Ive had ideas for years now of hugging a pipe bomb. Been really really considering the idea for months now and I feel like I’m ready. I’m a registered organ donor, have given away a fortune of items I thought I always wanted. Can’t hear a single conversation without hearing 4 others, have no plans in life, unable to have kids and I’m pretending to be happy just so I don’t cause a fuss with the missus. I’m tired of trying to change, tired of trying to care about myself and I’m guilty of lying about it. The only thing I can honestly say I care about is my dog. I don’t know who will take care of her after I light that fuse but I feel guilty for thinking of doing it. I don’t trust anything, anyone and I’m not even sure if writing here is a good idea. The paranoia is telling me someone’s going to find me and try the whole ” it gets better” s***, lock me away again and put those f****** electrodes on my head again saying it’s for the best. I don’t want help, I’ll give someone a lifetime of $ just to turn cheek and text saying goodbye to everyone on my contact list. That stigma is real, it’s not depression, it’s determination to find a way out in the most spectacular way. Afterall, who doesn’t like a good explosion?. If I could turn back 15 years from now, I would have waited until everyone was out and tied that f****** knot properly. If I can pass one thing on Here, it’s doubt has killed more dreams than hope ever will. Stop faking it, stop being the one who admits guilt all the time and stop dreaming of things that will never come to fruition. Apologies for this ranting b*******, I’m off to sort myself out for good.