Im a sociopath and I hate myself because of it.
I have 2 sides of me constantly fighting eachother to stay on top. I am so tired, alone and someone to love and love me back But I also can’t love, the entirety of the feeling is f****** alien. I think Ive finally found someone I think I care about and I think I can love them if i work at it hard enough but I dont think they are avoiding me and lying to me. on the other hand I have the sociopath side that doesnt care about people and I find it revolting to admit Im alone and need someone. It makes me hate my own guts like I find my own loneliness disgusting and pointless.

im not capable of loving myself much less someone else enough to be happy. I just need to get off this earth faster if I don’t want to exist forever in pain and hatred of my own existence. I want a best friend, and a lover and Ill never have either. My only motivation to get out of bed in the morning is the promise of money and somewhere to go to bed again in the afternoon.
ive never once had someone care about me enough to tell me my own terrible existence is okay, im okay and im enough. Nobody needs me to be happy. I only hurt people and i love doing it. that s***** awful side of me is what causes this hurt I think. I dont want to stop hurting people because I love it. but Ill never be truly happy because of it.