I want to f*** my boss.

Here’s the context.

My boyfriend and I work together. We’ve been on and off for a decade. We’ve lived together, done long distance, almost got married. There is always love, but commitment on his end? Trust, communication, maturity? We are lacking in every department except for raw, unconditional love. He is the perfect example of everything that I don’t want in a man. I love him, he loves me. But we are toxic.

I got him the job at this company a few months ago. When we started dating again, he was unemployed and about to be homeless. I took him, again. This is a decent paycheck for a lot of manual labor. I thought he could handle it. But the guys on the crews hate him. He is cold and prideful. He is a complete a****** to all of my coworkers, and most of them distanced themselves from me as soon as he started working here. This hurt for obvious reasons. Additionally, I had to earn their respect. I am a woman in a man’s world. Our company has thousands of employees nationwide and I am the first and only female that is doing ground work. I have faced tremendous obstacles in my time here. So, to see him ruin my hard earned progress and respect, it hurts. A lot.

Normally they put us on the same truck because most truck operators don’t want to deal with him alone. I’m the only person that can give him “constructive criticism” without him blowing up. (And even then, we just fight about it later in private). But when we got called on storm this past weekend, we were short a ground guy. They put me on with an operator that I’ve never rode with before. I’ve known him as an acquaintance for awhile, but that’s all.

This man is zero percent my type. He’s your stereotypical northern hill billy. But we are sitting thigh-to-thigh in a truck for 17 hours every day. This is day four. We actually make a great work team. And for the first time since I started working here, I had someone stand up for me. One of the groundguys tried to swap trucks without even consulting me. My operator, let’s call him Billy, stood up for me. He snapped on the guy, “She’s been on my truck since the beginning of storm. She’s staying here. You’re not kicking her off my f****** truck.” I was flattered. That night on the ride back to the hotel, I told my boyfriend what Billy said. Before I could finish my sentence, he blew up. “So you want to f*** him? He wants to f*** you? You already fucked? I knew I couldn’t trust you!”

Dead silence. Not a word. I refuse to indulge in his psychotic accusations anymore.

This man has cheated on me dozens of times. With friends, neighbors, mamagers, an underage minor, my cousin, his own cousin, and he even tried to make a pass at my sister. I haven’t forgiven any of these things. It is impossible being with someone so easy and trashy. I seriously don’t know why I keep coming back. And now he is accusing me of wanting to f*** Billy?

I’ve thought about it. I’ve thought about it a lot. I see Billy looking at me, respectfully. Opening doors for me, making me laugh, asking me questions, listening to my stories. I know that Billy recently got out of a relationship. I know that Billy is independent and lives on his own. I know that he doesn’t want a relationship, and neither do I. And after years of being the b********* backsliding ex for my current boyfriend, it feels good to feel genuinely wanted by someone.

I don’t even care if I’m the a****** anymore. If Billy makes a move, I’m not turning him down. I won’t encourage him. But if he does, I’m going for it. I’m miserable. I’m unwanted. And I’m in a situation where I can’t leave. This f****** desperate, needy, immature, selfish dickhead relies on me for everything. I get nothing from him. What good is love if I never feel it? He isn’t even nice to me. So yes, if this mature handsome masculine man makes a move on me, I will have s** with him. I will enjoy it. I will not feel guilt. Hell, I’ll even be honest about it with my boyfriend. God knows that he has no right to even be mad after the years of torture that I have endured with him.