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a truth
3 years
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I have so much anxiety that I’m afraid I’m going to kill myself. I’m trying to force myself to tell someone but I can’t speak. I want to but I cant. I’m so tired that I want to cry but I cant. I don’t know how to cry anymore, show anger, sadness, happiness, etc. I feel so trapped and scared. Most days I will only eat once or not at all. I never feel hungry and am often nauseous through out the day.

Before I said that I didn’t know how to show anger, but sometimes I feel it. But whenever I feel angry and I get so mad that I just want to kill myself and kill whoever made me mad. I truly have no control over my thoughts and am so disgusted with myself. The thoughts I have are so disturbing and make me question why I even deserve to live after thinking some of the thoughts I had and what I’ve done.

Honestly, after writing that all down I feel a little sense of relief

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I thought for most of my life that the world owes you a job since you need money to keep the economy going for everyone. I was wrong.

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You pulling back through way you have is just the proof I needed that no one will ever truly want me forever.
Even you, can just walk away without caring.
Even you can just be happy without even knowing how I am.
Even you.
If you want to know how I am. I’ll put it here…
I’m lonely, I feel useless, I feel like thrown away garbage, I feel like the biggest idiot in the world for thinking you ever actually cared, I feel heartbroken, I feel guilty, I feel like I missed out on my real life fairy tale because you were always supposed to be my prince but as it turns out I’m not a princess so a prince would never want me.
I feel simply dumb.
I know that the next time you make time for me I’ll be there waiting just like the f****** idiot i am.
You’ll give me that little glimpse of hope just to jerk it back away with silence and distance.

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