I plan on killing myself early next year. I am currently on a long holiday to see my family; to see them one more time, and say ‘goodbye’, in a way. They don’t know. I hate to leave them, but I am not equipped for this place anymore. Seen dozens of doctors and therapists; done hundreds of things to solve that pain. It’s not going away, and it’s not lessening. I have no more spirit left, and nowhere else to go. But I just want to see my family again.

It’s Day 13 of 28 into the visit, and there’s some enormous drama feud between members of my family now. Snapping at each other, and creating whole goddamn Shakespeare plays of their very own. They’ve sabotaged most of the plans; events and get-togethers are no longer happening.

I am here for a limited time, to see you all. To love you all and know you all, one more time. Just one more. It took me two years of planning to get here to see you, after a decade of being abroad… and now this is not to be. You are busy fighting, instead of being f****** civil for five minutes. My goodbye – that last, tiny shred of spirit I had left – is beyond meaningless.

Maybe I’m being selfish. I know they can’t possibly know what I plan. But even if I were to live, it would be years and years before I ever saw any of them again, and we are all aware of this. Aware that our time is so limited.

Please let me say goodbye. Please listen. Please, don’t make me walk back out there alone.