I always believed there are two kinds of death one physical and one psychological. The physical is pretty obvious the moment our heart stops beating we are dead. But the psychological one is more complicated, and we do it because we want to survive in this inherently cruel world. Some people romantise it by saying we are growing older wiser. But the truth is every action we take has one simple purpose: Survive.
Society is nothing more than a facade of survival of the fittest. Vibrant colours, intense emotions, s**, acknowledgement are things that society runs on. The truth is we are animals, while able to logical thinking, we are still subject to the need for survival. The game of survival though is more complicated on humans, the rules are so well hidden that a trial and error strategy could be proven ineffecient, you can spend your whole life trying to understand but end up with nothing.
All my life i was seeking other people’s approval, some moments were happy but i never lived. My family are good people, they did the best he could do, but still the way this world works has taken a toll in them. They chose to be good because they wanted for me to live in a good world, and for some extend they trutly believed that the world was good. So I inadvertently took many aspects of their personality.I was afraid being alone, not being liked, i was afraid being myself. So i decided i needed to kill the parts of me that made me feel this way. Dont get me wrong i love and apreciate them for all the things they did for me . But i tried and i couldnt believe in the kindness of this world, people do good things because they make them feel good,a lthough whats good and bad is more complocated but for the sake of simplicity, im gonna go with the simple term of good.
I’m no longer angry at other people, at this world. I’m beggining to understand our nature. Comfort, insecurities are a weakness. Your feelings and intentions most of the times must be hidden strategically. The version of yourself that you choose to present to the world must be a solid one. You must know your strengths and your weaknesses and how to present them.
I have no regrets, not anymore. I have lost many people. They made me who i was and now who i will not be.
Goodbye myself of the past.